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Dublin: 16 °C Sunday 18 August, 2019
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14 songs Beyoncé needs to write for the sake of women everywhere

Beyoncé, we beg you.

WOMEN DEPEND ON Beyoncé to release songs that they can jam to, cry to and, most importantly, relate to.

Her latest album, Lemonade, sees Beyoncé tackle the thorny issue of infidelity in a way that makes her seem both vulnerable and human.

With that in mind, we have some ideas for more songs she could record, nay, needs to record for the sake of women everywhere.

1. ‘Discretion’

A slinky slow jam about how difficult it is to subtly smuggle a tampon up your sleeve as you traverse across the office to the bathroom.

2. ‘Who Invited You?’

A musical retort to those nightmare men who insist on joining your gals-only dance circle on a night out.

3. ‘All Up In My Feelings’

A ballad about when you’re menstrual and get inexplicably emotional while watching, like, a Permanent TSB ad.

I know it’s just an ad/But it makes me so sad/I’m all up in my feelings

💋

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4. ‘Bubbly’

A celebration of what a wondrous thing €9 supermarket prosecco is.

 I been drinking, I been drinking/I get giddy when that bubbly get into me

5. ‘Can U Not’

A song about the indignity of sitting down on a damp toilet seat and wanting to end it all.

6. ‘Rude’

A banger about those times your Mam tells you that you look “tired and anemic” or as though you’ve been “dragged through a hedge backwards”.

Tell me I look like I been dragged through a hedge backwards/Bitch, I’ll drag you through a hedge backwards

7. ‘What’s Mine Is Not Yours’

A rallying cry to all the fellas out there who think that there’s nothing wrong with using the fancy shampoo belonging to their girlfriends/wives/sisters/mothers.

INCORRECT.

8. ‘It’s So Cold’

A song about how freezing it is. Are you cold? I’m so cold. Don’t tell me to put on a jumper. Just put on the heating like a normal person. Ugh, it’s so cold.

9. ‘That Ain’t Tight’

A song dedicated to all the strong independent women out there who are just trying to find a pair of tights that don’t sag, don’t rip and will actually survive a wash. A pair of tights they can trust.

Is that so difficult?

10. ‘Creepin’”

A throwback R&B jam about creepin’ on your friends, your boyfriend, your ex-boyfriend, your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, your cousin who seems to be having a swell time in Abu Dhabi, that lad you went on one date with in 2011, that lad’s brother, etc.

11. ‘ What Have I Done’

A spoken word interlude about those times you decide, “Hell yes, I can cut my own fringe” and make an ungodly mess of it and have to live with yourself until your next visit to the hairdressers.

12. ‘Black Tears’

A mournful ballad about when you’re applying liquid eyeliner and accidentally get it on your eyeball and your eye starts weeping profusely and you look like someone from a Japanese horror film.

13. ‘I Was Just Bloated’

A celebratory party jam about when you realise you haven’t put on weight after all — you were just menstrual and bloated!

14. ‘Goosepimples’

Finally, a song about when you shave your legs and it’s cold and you get goosepimples and it’s like, “Oh great, all my hard work was for nothing. Can women ever catch a goddamn break? “

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Thank you @lorraineschwartz !

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About the author:

Amy O'Connor

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