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Dublin: 6 °C Wednesday 13 November, 2019
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The craziest, sweariest college email you'll ever read

“I will f***ing assault you.”

YOU PROBABLY IMAGINED that the world of fraternities and sororities at US colleges was pretty much like this:

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With maybe a little of this:

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And perhaps a touch of violent hazing to get you in the mood.

But NO. You’d be wrong. The frat/sorority world is, in fact, a traumatic and divided world, riven by anger and bitterness.

At least, judging by an email sent to members of the Delta Gamma sorority at the University of Maryland by a senior ‘sister’, and acquired by Gawker.

To put it in context: it relates to sorority members’ alleged unwillingness to party with the male members of the Sigma Nu frat.

Here are the highlights. Just pause for a second, and imagine sending this to your college classmates:

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f**king ride.
Are you people f**king retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow
I will f**king c*** punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL F**KING ASSAULT YOU.
If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f**king find you on campus to do it myself.
If you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you.
Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F**KING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F**KING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F**KING SUCK SO FAR.
Seriously. I swear to f**king God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave.

Read the full email – and a response from the sorority in question – over at Gawker.

Now, back to our comforting fantasies about fraternity life. THE DEAN!

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About the author:

Michael Freeman

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