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This is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Horse burgers, how politicians ignored on social media may suffer low self-esteem, and the possibility that Lance Armstrong may be telling the truth…

Lance Armstrong: truth teller?
Lance Armstrong: truth teller?
Image: (AP Photo/Courtesy of Harpo Studios, Inc., George Burns

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Politicans ignored on social media may suffer low self-esteem

Monday, 14 January

Politicians who have not been intimidated on social media platforms may feel neglected, according to a psychologist.

A significant number of Irish politicians could be suffering from low self-esteem* as a result of not being bullied or intimidated on Twitter or Facebook.

“They’re being ignored while their colleagues are taunted and abused. It’s cruel and unfair,” a psychologist explained.

*Low self-esteem is thought to be quite rare in Irish politics.

Croke Park negotiators shocked at other people’s poverty

Tuesday, 15 January

Government and trade union officials comforted each other overnight after a bruising discussion about other people’s poverty.

The officials tasked with negotiating a new Croke Park agreement were shocked to discover some people earn less than €100,000 a year.

“How do they live? Why don’t they emigrate?” a government negotiator said.

“What’s the point of being in a union if that’s all they’re getting?” a trade union official said.

Negotiators on both sides could need special allowances to recover from this trauma.

Up to 40 per cent of horses’ arses could be human

Wednesday, 16 January

A significant number of horses’ arses have tested positive for human DNA in a survey carried out by the Irish Horse Board.

In fact, up to 40 per cent of horses’ arses are believed to be human with many of them working in the professional classes.

“Some are barristers, some surgeons, a great many are politicians, while others work as pundits in the media,” a vet said.

“All told it’s a terrible waste of a horse,” he added.

Govt pledges to discover how nutrients got into food chain

Thursday, 17 January

The Government has pledged to act swiftly to discover how nutrients got into the food chain.

Random tests by the Food Safety Authority found nutrients in a small number of foods sold in Irish supermarkets.

“It’s hard to understand how this could happen,” a government spokesman said. “It’s worse than horse meat in burgers.”

“While this is a setback, we have worked closely with suppliers, processors and supermarkets to eradicate nutrients in food,” he added.

“The general health of the Irish population is a testament to our achievements in this area.”

Lance Armstrong may have taken performance enhancing drugs

Friday 18, January

It now seems possible that Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs to win seven Tour de France titles.

The possibility emerged after Armstrong told Oprah Winfrey that he took performance enhancing drugs to win the seven titles.

Cycling correspondents believe the possibility that Armstrong was telling the truth cannot be completely discounted.

“I suppose he might be telling the truth,” one correspondent said. “There’s a first time for everything.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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