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Niall Carson/PA Wire Pat Kenny. Humble.
Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: RTE stars confused by Pope’s message of humility, and Office of Public Works ‘may never know’ the source of the Cork floods.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

RTÉ stars confused by Pope’s message of humility

Monday, 18 March

Despite their station’s blanket coverage of the inauguration of Pope Francis, some of RTÉ’s star presenters have struggled to understand what he means by humility.

“Can I spend it?” Pat Kenny asked. “Does my neighbour have humility? Can I squat it?”

Pope Francis has said his papacy will focus on serving the poor.

“How poor can they be?” Marian Finucane asked. “I hope they’ve paid their TV licence.”

Govt accuse Cyprus of endangering democracy by using it

Tuesday, 19 March

The Government has accused politicians in Cyprus of endangering democracy by using it.

Cypriot politicians yesterday voted against the terms of a bailout offered to Cyprus by Eurozone finance ministers.

“Voting no is profoundly undemocratic,” Finance Minister Michael Noonan said. “It’s negative and being negative is a threat to democracy. Angela doesn’t like it.”

The Cabinet is believed to be so traumatised by the vote in Cyprus that they have decided to give Bank of Ireland Chief Executive Richie Boucher more money.

Irish politicians close to discovering Ireland

Wednesday, 20 March

Irish politicians have moved a step closer to discovering Ireland after they established beyond doubt that it is not Cyprus.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny and Finance Minister Michael Noonan insisted there was no way Ireland could be Cyprus. “There isn’t a freckled head to be seen there,” Mr Noonan said.

Politicians from all the major parties here have now confirmed that Ireland is not Greece, Spain, Portugal, Italy or Cyprus.

“It’s only a matter of time before they discover Ireland,” an analyst said.

“If they could use Google maps as well as they use their mobile phones while driving they’d have found it by now.”

US Vice President to impersonate Barack Obama for Irish visit

Thursday, 21 March

The Government is hopeful that US Vice President Joe Biden will agree to impersonate Barack Obama when he visits Ireland this year.

Officials believe that make-up artists from the booming Irish film industry could help make the Vice President look like the US President.

“If Obama decides not to visit this is Plan B,” an official said. “We can’t disappoint Moneygall.”

“Everything is ready to go. We have the make-up artist on standby. We just have to break it to Joe Biden.”

Office of Public Works ‘may never know’ source of Cork floods

Friday, 22 March

Consultants working for the Office of Public Works have admitted they might never know what caused flooding in Blackpool, Co Cork.

“Some witnesses spoke of wet stuff falling from the sky,” a consultant said. “We’ll investigate it but it’s too early to single out one thing.”

“Shocking weather isn’t it?” he added.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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