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Not the News

The week in news... skewed

BREAKING via The Mire wire: Ireland let Spain and Italy down at Euro 2012 and why the Lotto’s not worth winning on the dole…

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Spain, Italy fear they’ll never beat the Irish

Monday, 11 June

Spain and Italy were in a state of panic overnight after it became clear that Ireland needed maximum points against them to be sure of getting out of their Euro 2012 group.

“We hoped Ireland would beat Croatia and settle for a draw against us,” a despondent Spanish football manager Vicente del Bosque said. “We’ll never beat the Irish,” he added. “Everyone knows that.”

“Shite,” his Italian counterpart Cesare Prandelli said succinctly.

Senior civil servants not better off working

Tuesday, 12 June

Thousands of senior civil servants would not be better off working, according to a survey.

Research by Analytical Research and Scientific Evaluation (ARSE), a branch of ESRI, found that there is no incentive for senior civil servants to work.

“When you take into account motivating yourself and focusing on the job in hand even preparing for work is an exhausting process,” a researcher said. “Why would they bother when they get paid anyway?”

‘Paper airplanes, papier-mâché’ and a bank guarantee

Wednesday, 13 June

Taoiseach Enda Kenny yesterday broke his vow of silence to speculate on the fate of a file on the night of the bank guarantee.

“Paper airplanes, papier-mâché, origami,” Mr Kenny said mysteriously.

Fianna Fáil, however, recoiled in horror at the suggestion. “No member of our government, not even the Greens, ever engaged in origami or papier-mâché,” a spokesman said.

“Furthermore you could never conduct any government business without the use of paper airplanes,” he added.

Mr Kenny has since resumed the vow of silence that has made him popular for the first time in his career.

Lotto not worth winning if you draw the dole

Thursday, 14 June

The weekend Lotto jackpot could be worth €8m but you would be better off on the dole, according to the latest published/unpublished ESRI/ARSE report.

As the unemployed continue to party with former Anglo boss Sean FitzPatrick and PJ Mara at Euro 2012 it has become increasingly difficult to sell them Lotto tickets.

“What would we want one of them for when we’ve got the scratcher?” an unemployed man asked.

“You’ll never beat the scratcher,” he added.

“Sure the dole is nearly as good as being a TD,” an unkempt long-haired man in a pink polo shirt said. “I was a millionaire once, it was awful.”

After the soccer, Angela Merkel phones Enda Kenny

Friday, 15 June

It is 3am when the phone on Taoiseach Enda Kenny’s bedside locker rings.

Enda Kenny: Hello

Angela Merkel: Enda, it’s Angela. Sing me that song.

Enda Kenny: What song Angela?

Angela Merkel: Don’t call me Angela, peasant. That soccer song you Irish sing. The funny one.

Enda Kenny: Sorry Chancellor. Do you mean Get your tits out for the lads?

Angela Merkel (laughs, adjusts bra): No Enda. Save that for the Croatians. I have suckled you Irish enough.

Enda Kenny: You’ll Never Beat The Irish?

Angela Merkel: That’s it. Hilarious. Sing you clown.

Enda Kenny sobs.

Angela Merkel laughs, adjusts bra.

Read previous weeks’ editions of TheMire’s Not the News >

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