1. Filtering out most of your facial features
Hey, sometimes you want to just be eyes, lips, and the suggestion of a nose.
2. Checking someone’s profile so religiously that they come up in your ‘Suggested’ searches
And feeling briefly paranoid about it, then checking their profile again.
3. Having one person who you don’t follow but check in on from time to time, just to creep
You couldn’t give them the satisfaction of a follow. Or they’re too annoying to commit to. But you need to keep tabs on them all the same.
4. Going to great lengths to take a ‘casual’ photo
Your other half is a full-time Instagram Spouse taking candids, or you spend 20 minutes arranging your desk for the perfect flatlay. There’s nothing ‘casual’ about it.
5. Having a nose in the ‘Following’ tab to see what everyone’s liking
Brian liking some pictures of a ‘fitness model’ there, is he? Good man Brian.
6. Getting annoyed at bloggers and influencers for not tagging their great shoes/lipstick…
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO SELL ME SOMETHING BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOUR TOP IS FROM.
7. …And/or signing up to ridiculous websites just to find out where the fecking shoes are from
You’re playing right into their hands… But the shoooooooes! You can just unsubscribe later!
7. Being unreasonably pleased by likes heading into double figures
*sees 11 likes* Mama, your daughter has just hit the big time!
8. And tempted by the latest Instagram ‘It’ product
Those drawstring strapless bras. They have to be a scam. *opens wallet*
9. Having a good scroll through your own profile to see how you look to others dropping in
Good craic? Popular? Attractive? What does this profile SAY to the outside world?
10. Considering every upload carefully to this effect
“My last two photos have my face in them. Should I put up another selfie? Will people think I love myself? Do I need an Instagram ‘theme’? Ah feck it.”
11. And spending way too much time on it, period
You know you should ease off on it. But what if you miss another of Beyoncé’s maternity #ootns? Perish the thought.
