1. Why do you get sentimental over tatty t-shirts from 14 years ago?
“Ah, we couldn’t throw that out.”
But it’s a t-shirt from a music festival that doesn’t even exist anymore and I’ve never seen you once wear it?
2. Why do you take so bloody long to tie your shoes?
We’ve discussed this before, but we’re still perplexed: why does it take you so much longer to tie your shoes than it takes us to do the same thing?
3. Why do you sometimes treat the toilet like a private sanctuary/reading room?
You know you can read on the couch in the living room, right?
4. How are you able to fall asleep sitting upright on the couch?
We’re not hating. We’re actually just impressed.
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5. Why do you occasionally feel the need to stick your hand down your jocks while chilling out?
Again, no hate. Just genuinely curious. Is it comfy there? Are you just trying to keep your hands warm? Do you need to buy some gloves?
6. Do you secretly always want to sing?
We only ask because recent video evidence from Euro 2016 would suggest that the Irishman’s favourite pastime is belting out a good banger. And yet we never hear you sing. Are you too shy? Do you regularly have to suppress your urge to sing?
7. Why do you suddenly start collecting random bits of auld shite from around the house?
“Don’t throw out that piece of wood, it’ll come in handy some time.”
What, pray tell, will it come in handy for? Poking your old Witness t-shirt, is it?
8. How did you come to be in possession of so many socks?
Regular socks, dress socks, jaunty colouredy socks, trainer socks, special hi-tech running socks, auld socks that should have been thrown out years ago — SO MANY SOCKS!
9. Is Conor McGregor to you what Beyoncé is to us?
Does Conor McGregor inspire you to be a better man? Do you sometimes catch yourself asking “What would Conor McGregor do?” Is he your Beyoncé?
We just want to understand.
10. Why can you never, ever remember what your friend called his baby?
“Paul had a little girl.”
“Oh brilliant, what’s her name?”
“Em, I can’t remember.”
WE NEED DETAILS.
