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You'll only understand this wild emotional ride if you are constantly late

If you’re effortlessly punctual, please just avert your eyes. We’re SORRY.

IT’S IN OUR bones. It’s something you just can’t change.

You’re either punctual or you’re not. This behaviour can’t be learnt. One is born tardy, and that’s just the way it is. And if you’re constantly late, you’ll definitely empathise will this whirlwind of feels.

(If lateness bothers you, please excuse us. And know that we can’t help it. Kinda.)

The self-indulgence

Let’s face it: the reason you’re late is because you’re self-indulgent and can’t be bothered. We might play it off to everyone else like there are valid reasons for our lateness, but the truth is more simple. It’s our fault, because we wanted to lie in, or stay one place a bit longer than we were meant to, or let time get away from us. Lateness is sweet, delicious self-indulgence.

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The jolt of realisation

The glance at the watch… JAYSUS! Is that the time? Realising you’re seriously late is akin to getting electrocuted, except at least when you’re getting electrocuted you can’t think about how much trouble you’re about to get in.

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The panic

What to do? WHAT TO DO? Try to make it on time or fess up and push the arrangement back? If it’s work you’re late for, then all sorts of dastardly, alluring notions about just jacking it all in and calling in sick will start flashing like strobe lights in your brain.

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The out-and-out lying

“Just leaving the house now!” = “Just getting in the shower.”

“On my way!” = “I’m still in bed. Oh God what have I done?”

“I’ll be there in five minutes!” = “Oh this is bad. This is very bad. Better just… Lie more?”

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell everyone lies. Sort it out when you get there. Be grand. Maybe they won’t notice?

The flap

In Irish Mammy-ese, a “flap” is what you do when you’re running around the house like a headless chicken, trying to get everything together that you need to leave.

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This invariably leads to you wearing a jumper inside out, forgetting your house keys, wearing odd shoes and arriving at work with a blob of moisturiser on your forehead.

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Sigh.

The rush

This is the tricky part – actually GETTING there. If you’re walking, you’ll get sweaty trying to walk too fast.

If you’re cycling, you’ll be tempted to take grave risks with the traffic (PS – please don’t do that).If you’re driving, you’ll become everyone’s worst enemy at the lights.

And, God love you if you’re on public transport. “HURRY UP!” you’ll scream inside – but the bus won’t listen. The bus never listens.

The “feck it”

This is when you say to yourself, “Shag it, I’m late now, I may as well be REALLY late. ” With an attitude like that, it’s no wonder you’re always late. Tsk.

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The apologies

Grovel. Grovel like you MEAN IT.

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But it doesn’t really matter. People absolutely hate lateness. It’s the tardy person’s cross to bear – they’ll never TRULY forgive you.

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The (often made-up) explanations

“Traffic was awful…” Ah it was in its hole. This is you and the snooze button’s problem, pal, don’t be blaming that ringroad.

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Read: 9 things you always leave until the last minute>

Read: French coffee shop bases prices on customers’ politeness>

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