Dublin: 3 °C Saturday 4 December, 2021

Turkey sucks, and it's time we were honest about it

Just hear us out.

IT’S TIME TO get real. Turkey sucks.

The Bird - 2007 Source: Wikimedia

Sure it’s a Christmas tradition and all, but looking past the stuffing and the gravy, the cranberry sauce and the ham, is it worth the effort? The answer is sadly no. Here’s why.

1. Buying one is an ordeal in itself

#buyingturkey it's coming...

A post shared by Kim Smith (@pubd2b) on

How big should we go? Do we do boned and rolled, a crown, or a full turkey? HELP US, MEAT GODS.

2. It never fits in the fridge properly

The family must perform something akin to fridge Tetris to get it in. Sure, you might take a few shelves out, but it’s still in there looming over everything like the Incredible Hulk.

If it’s a particularly cold winter, just leave it out back and pray the cat doesn’t get at it.

3. It takes a ridiculous amount of time to cook

Right, dinner is at 2pm… So I suppose we’ll wake up to get the turkey ready at, hmm, 6am?

4. And during this time, Christmas tensions reach their peak

At some late stage in the cooking process, Auntie Mary suggests you put on the carrots, and you have visions of flinging a saucepan at her.

tumblr_m20lqcmXOk1rn5uhw Source: Tumblr

But don’t blame your aunt, blame the turkey! It’s tearing your family apart!

5. At the end of all that, it’s really not that nice

SO dry. Familial tensions rise again as the gravy threatens to run out. We need that gravy! We’re parched!

6. And everyone’s just hoping for more ham

Delicious, juicy ham.

tumblr_mk1omnowai1qh1ezvo1_500 Source: Tumblr

7. In summary, turkey is just a bigger, more stressful, and less tasty chicken


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