Dublin: 5 °C Friday 27 January, 2023
# no holds barred
Amazing voicemail describes old ladies beating man with umbrella
Man crashes into a car full of old ladies and then they assault him.

IT STARTED OUT just like any normal day for … let’s call him Jimmy* … but little did he know he was destined to witness a group of old ladies beat up a man who had just crashed into them, with pepper spray, an umbrella and a bible!

Jimmy pulled over while on his way to Dallas to give his friend Mark a call. Alas Mark didn’t answer so Jimmy decides to leave him a voicemail.

It starts off pretty normal until Jimmy witnesses said car accident while speaking:

Man I just had a wreck right in front of me. This guy ran a red light and hit four old ladies in an Impala.

Our friend Jim then proceeds to describe what happens as the man gets out of his truck to go chastise the women he’d just driven into. He reaches the driver’s window when events take a sudden and violent turn:

She’s rolling down the window; oh man I think she sprayed him with pepper spray. His hands are on his face and he’s on his knees. She’s getting out and beating him with an umbrella.

Yes. An umbrella.

Obviously the women had taken umbrage to his crashing into them and the rest of this street gang then jumped out of the car; continuing their assault:

There’s one old woman with a little black purse tomahawking him. She looks like a…jackhammer. We got another woman that’s hitting him like she’s got a cattle prod. She’s got an umbrella she’s sticking it in his side.

Just when we think things can’t get any more brutal, Jimmy tells of how the main assailant – the Godmother if you will – begins to unleash her savage beating:

There’s another one that’s a little woman that looks like mother goose. She’s beating him! She’s beating him! She’s got a huge bag! She’s beating him. She’s got this big bag! It’s huge, it’s about the size of her.

But then the bag flies open and among the contents that fall out is a bible. So she pick’s it up and starts to pummel the man with that too.

He’s hit him in the head with the bible. She picked the bible up and lifted it way over her head…and she’s still beating the hell out of this guy. She picked this bible up and raised it above her head and beamed the guy.

While listening to Jimmy’s voicemail our hearts raced as we heard of how the man lay on the ground, apparently unable to get up as they continued to knock ten lumps of chocolate out of him.

Thankfully however, he managed to flee the scene:

He’s running to his car, he’s out of here. She’s talking to him while he’s driving off.

The moral of the story? Don’t trust old ladies! They’re armed and dangerous and should you see one please contact your local Garda Station.

This all happened a few years but we’d somehow never heard it before until the voicemail started doing the rounds on Twitter again recently. Have a listen to it in full here.


*Man may not actually be called Jimmy.

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