GEOGRAPHICALLY, ALL THAT is between us is the Irish Sea but when it comes to food it can sometimes appear that the British are in another world. The only people in Ireland who enjoy these British dishes were probably alive during British rule, because these are all old people foods.
1. Spotted Dick
Spotted Dick is a British dessert that inexplicably contains suet (the raw, hard fat of beef or mutton found around the loins and kidneys) and some dried fruit. Why do you need kidney fat in a cake?
2. Branston Pickle
You would assume that this was pickle spread if you looked at the jar. But no, it’s a jar of chutney made of all kinds of diced fruit and vegetables: swede, carrots, onions, cauliflower, tomato and apple. That sounds like a combination from hell.
3. Scotch eggs
A hard boiled egg wrapped up in sausage meat and coated in breadcrumbs before being fried. In theory, eggs and sausages go pretty well together. Somehow, despite that, scotch eggs look incredibly unappealing.
4. Pork scratchings
Even the name of this is enough to turn a few stomachs. It’s fried/roasted pig skin that is a by-product of rendering lard. Sometimes they come microwaveable in a bag similar to microwave popcorn so that you can eat them warm, if that’s something that anyone would ever desire.
5. Tinned tomatoes on toast
It’s truly chilling to think of somebody willingly slopping a tin of tomatoes onto toast. Is it not extremely soggy? Is the tomato cold? Why did you do this?
6. Peperami
These skinny dried up sticks of salami have always been in Irish supermarkets. I worked in one for three years straight and never saw a soul purchase one of these, despite their sad, constant presence in the snack aisle.
We have enough fresh salami for a more reasonable price than these to satisfy any cravings, so it’s really senseless to even put yourself through consuming this. Yet, they’re still fairly popular in Britain.
Interestingly, they were never supposed to be there in the first place. It was shipped over to the UK by accident by Germans in a container that was supposed to be carrying pâté. Maybe this wasn’t an accident but more of a practical joke by Germany because they really are pretty grim.
7. Clotted cream
Firstly, why would anyone want to eat anything that had the word ‘clot’ in it. Secondly, this just looks like gone-off cream. What’s wrong with regular cream?
8. Clotted cream on a scone
Listen. Keep your cream away from scones please. Butter is the only acceptable fat to go on a piece of bread.
9. Ketchup on beans
Is there any need for that now? Cold tomato sauce on top of warm tomato sauce? How is this allowed?
10. Cornish pasties
It looks like it’s crying and with good reason. What’s wrong with a simple pie? Why did you omit the ‘R’ from the word ‘pastry’? Why does it have so many weird nicknames – oggy, teddy oggie, tiddy oggie? Back when they were invented, these were originally heated on a shovel over a candle. Surely that means it’s time to move on.
11. Kippers
Eating fish for breakfast is weird and unnecessary. The only good Kipper is the cartoon dog.
12. Crumpets
These weird pieces of bread are probably a nightmare for people with Trypophobia. They’re just something that doesn’t appeal to Irish people and it’s difficult to say why. Maybe it’s the presence of dozens of more exciting types of bread on our shelves? Maybe it’s the opposite – maybe we just like a sliced pan too much. Who knows?
13. Chelsea buns
These look like a rip off of cinnamon buns but apparently they’re hard enough to break your teeth. It’s just a hard glazed bun that has currants as well as cinnamon. Who would really be willing to go all the effort to make a cinnamon bun harder and put currants in it? Not someone you should trust anyway.
14. Marmite
Chances are you’re probably too scared to even taste Marmite, given all of the hype about it being disgusting. It’s one of the most divisive foods in existence but Brits still consider it to be a national treasure. Whatever you’re into.
15. Jelly and Carnation milk
Nobody would even think of combining jelly with evaporated milk in Ireland. With good reason.
16. Tins of beans that include sausages in them
In a Youtube review of this terrifying snack it’s seems that this is dog food that was mistakenly tinned in Heinz packaging. The reviewer said that they were just tiny little hot dogs rather than actual sausages, which were left to marinate in bean sauce for eternity.
The comments on the video regard this weird dish as “very good” and recommend ruining a Yorkshire pudding by filling the inside with this. Apparently you can get tins of all day breakfasts too which include beans, sausages, mushrooms, pork nuggets, egg nuggets and bacon.
Someone out there is eating that regularly enough for it to warrant mass production, which is kind of upsetting. It looks like a Bushtucker Trial drowned in bean sauce. Plus the words ‘egg’ and ‘nuggets’ should never, ever be put together.
