1. Noisy typing
With any luck you can usually block this particular brand of noise pollution out, but once you notice it it will chip away at your sanity as the pounding and bashing becomes all you can hear.
While your co-worker continues to merrily hack away you become convinced that they’re doing it on purpose and begin to fantasise about an unfortunate incident with the office toaster and a sink full of water.
Don’t give in to these urges.
2. Mouth breathing
What would happen if you plugged their gobs with a wad of Post Its?
Would they discover the joy of silent nose breathing?
Fetch the Post Its. It’s time for an experiment.
3. Lip smacking
Oh, you’re having an apple at your desk, are you?
Be sure to chomp away at it three feet from my ear, making certain that you slurp away at your fingers for a while when you’ve finished.
What’s that? You brought some lovely granola to work?
No no, please, sit down and fully enjoy it in front of your computer. But promise me you’ll drag the spoon around the bowl for a good ten minutes, chewing the cud all the while.
4. Sneezing
You know they can’t help it, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want them to sneeze themselves out the window.
5. Sniffing
Ah yes, sneezing’s sinister cousin.
EITHER COMMIT TO BLOWING YOUR NOSE OR SHUT IT! STOP FANNYING AROUND WITH YOUR LITTLE SNIFFS!
6. Mobile phone ringing
Nothing fosters a positive working environment that a bleating unattended mobile phone discarded at someone’s desk. If it goes for a second round of ringing that’s even better. Not annoying at all.
7. Excessive sighing
Their computer isn’t working properly, they’re too warm, they’re too cold, they’re expected to – you know – work.
All of these things can elicit major expulsions of air from a serial sigh-er.
8. Slamming door
It’s not even close to you, but everytime someone lets it swing closed behind them your shoulders tense a little bit closer to your ears.
Can they not just close it gently?
Come to think of it, can they not just go home and stay there?
9. Computer noises
“BLA-BLINK” – oh, you got a gchat, how lovely for you
“BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP” – oh you’re adjusting the volume on your Mac. I’m so delighted my ears can pick it up.
