IT’S OUR PARTY, and we’ll turf these folks out* if we want to.
*We probably won’t. But we’ll think about it.
1. The Early Bird
The party is scheduled to start at 8.30pm, but everyone knows that means 9.30pm.
Yet there’s always one person who flouts this all-important rule and shows up at 8.29 on the dot, when the host’s hair is still wet and the house is still a mess.
2. The Demolition Artist
Everything this person touches turns to shards of broken glass and delph.
Stay away, unless you want to be slightly damp for the rest of the evening and implicated in the destruction of several pint glasses.
3. The Singer-Songwriter
Any time is the right time for a sing-along with this delightful partygoer, who just cannot seem to read a room.
Lock up your acoustic guitars, or find a way of confiscating theirs.
4. The Star-Crossed Lovers
Having a lovers’ tiff? Not at our party, you don’t.
Please, please take your squabbles and sulking elsewhere, for the good of mankind.
5. The King of the Castle
This person will not rest until everyone has tipped part of their drink into the Kings’ Cup.
Politely but firmly decline for a vomit-free evening.
6. The Unwelcome Wagon
The concept of ‘home time’ doesn’t really make sense to this person, even when everyone else around them is falling asleep.
A hearty, Irish bouncer-style “Alright FOLKS, let’s go FOLKS” will almost always fall on deaf ears.
7. The iPod DJ
Unlike the Singer-Songwriter, the iPod DJ just wants to showcase their ultra-cool music taste, not their questionable talent.
Important thing to note: They’ll never play Maniac 2000. So stop asking.
8. The Barnacle
This person only knows you, so they stick to you like glue for the duration of the gathering. We’ve all been the Barnacle, but nevertheless, it’s hard to have any sympathy when it happens to you.
(Props to the actress/comedian Amy Sedaris for coming up with such a perfect term.)
9. The Crier
These people will usually hole themselves up in a bedroom or bathroom (whichever is most inconvenient for everyone else at the time) with a pal or two – anyone who tries to come in is greeted with a bellowed “GO AWAY!”
How about YOU go away, hmm? How about that?!
10. The Cluster
That group of girls or lads who sit in a circle and talk to no one else for the whole night, thus ruining the convivial atmosphere.
Why are they saying, and about whom? Why are they even here? TELL US.
11. The Moocher
“I have no drink left! Can I steal a can?” The calling card of the Moocher.
Sure, you’ll gladly hand over a can here, a splash of spirit there – but if it happens every time, you have to wonder why they haven’t learned to manage their drink.
