BECAUSE NOTHING ENRAGES people more than restricted access to their own money, here’s a ranking of the stages of banking rage, from low level fury to all out war.
15. “This machine can only dispense multiples of fifty”
BUT I ONLY HAVE €47 IN MY ACCOUNT.
14. Bank queues
It’s bad enough that banks are only open when the moon is in Jupiter’s shadow and the stars are aligned with Mars on the seventh Wednesday of the seventh month, but then you have to QUEUE!?
13. Specifically, the person in front of you in the bank queue
Rest assured they are in the wrong queue/haven’t filled out the slip/didn’t bring ID/can’t remember their PIN/were sent from Hedes to test you.
12. Your address
Hands up how many of you still use your parents’ address for banking?
It’s understandable, because changing your address at the bank requires a blood sacrifice and a vial of Blue Ivy Carter’s tears.
It’s all well and good until you lose your Visa Debit card and they insist on sending your new one to your home address, three hours away.
11. The AIB security doors
PRESS THE EFFING BUTTON! THAT ONE THERE! PRESS IT!
You only have to wait seconds to get in, but it feels like years.
10. Trying to speak to someone on the phone
9. When this happens
8. When THIS happens
7. Cancelling your card…
.. and then finding it as soon as you’ve cancelled it
6. Not being allowed to use your card
I just want to spend money in your shop. Why won’t you let me?
5. Being charged for having no money
Just take everything.
4. Out of order
This one will resonate if there is only one ATM in the vicinity of your office/house/local and you need that cash ASAP.
You swagger up to the machine, just waiting to feel those crisp notes between your fingers, and then…
3. IBAN numbers
Sorry, what?
You’ve never heard of an IBAN number and suddenly you can’t blow your nose without needing one.
Finding out what it is is a quest of Harrison Ford/Holy Grail proportions.
2. Verified by Visa
There is a special place in hell for the person who came up with Verified By Visa. It’s an acceptable motive for homicide in some cultures you know?
1. The effing AIB card reader
Please, take this tiny calculator and carry it with you at all times because we will ask you to use it at the most inconvenient moment and when you least expect it.
Can’t find it? Allow us to send you a new one… IN 5-7 WORKING DAYS.
