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Dublin: 1 °C Sunday 15 December, 2019
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Best Used-Car Sales Pitch of the Day

“The Best Car You Will Ever Own. Fact.”

Image: Adverts.ie

A CAR AFICIONADO from Ballinasloe has today tried to prove that adding ‘Fact.’ to the end of a sentence will make it ring true.

That usually wouldn’t get you noticed but therobfromireland has tried really, really hard as part of an attempt to sell his car for a modest €500.

After reading his ad with our legs up, tie loosened, glass of whiskey in hand and cigar tilted in mouth*, we almost believe that his 1997 Volvo V70 2.0 in blue is, in fact, the best car we could ever own**. (*not really) (**definitely not)

Here is his Adverts.ie post in full (we didn’t have the heart to cut out any of his passionate description):

The Best Car You Will Ever Own. Fact

Asking price: €500

“Put your legs up. Loosen your tie. Pour yourself a cool refreshing glass of whiskey and light up that favourite cigar. Your in a for a real treat. The following attempts to document a car that defines its own genre of style and character. The article below is best read while listening to some smooth jazz such as the provided by clicking on this link.

Man has climbed mount Everest. Gone to the bottom of the ocean. Has fired rockets to the moon. Split the atom. Achieved miracles in every field of human endeavour. And the pinnacle of his success is certain. The 1997 Volvo V70 2.0 Litre Petrol. In Blue.

But not everyone has the opportunity to own the car they always wanted. Only one lucky buyer amongst you will cruise away in a automobile that is almost guaranteed to get the neighbours talking.

This might just be the opportunity you have been looking for to get your very own world renowned Volvo V70.

Its the kind of car that’s the last thing you think of before you go to sleep. You get up before breakfast to look at it again. You inspect it daily- not for its obvious and numerous scratches but you inspect it with your own hands for the curved rugged feel of its steel and the aging grace of its body, the distinctive smell of its upholstery, the simple cheap honesty of its comfort and the feel of a easy riding seat that holds you like your favourite chair.

What’s more it has all those extras you need to be in pure luxury driving heaven.

Lets start with the power accessories- the perfectionist in you will love them all.

Electric Sunroof- a wonderful new way of giving a hardtop the character of a convertible.

Signal Indicators- an ingenious signalling system that allows those drivers behind you to know of your intention to turn either left or right.

Electric mirrors- confirm those second glances you will surely receive as you drive through town by adjusting not only the driving side mirror electronically but the passenger side too.

Heated Mirrors- just when you thought the Electric mirrors could not get any better.

Electric Windows- you are the captain as you choose which of the four windows receives fresh country air.

10 CD Disc changer- it may not work but that’s beside the point as it’s the image of it drilled it to the back of a seat that says you are a gentleman of simple taste and means.

But enough about its numerous electrical features lets discuss the unique and memorable interior.

The first thing you will notice as you step inside the Volvo V70 is the richness of character that only comes from a car with unknown numerous owners and over 135,000 of possibly genuine miles. Its saturated in history that lets you know instantly that this car has seen it all and lives to tell the tale. Seats and carpets boldly state alike that they too have seen 15 years of frontline action. Words can not describe the many surprises that awaits the new proud owner.

Features such as the always open petrol cap panel hint at the relaxed atmosphere of yesteryear. Fold down chairs in the back mean you can choose to convert the automobile into a perfect carrier of leisure equipment after only a couple of strenuous awkward movements. A retractable sun visor for the rear storage area means your Dom Perignom champagne stays chilled as you drive towards the sunny beaches of south France with your lady friend.

Just when you though the Volvo V70 could not get any better it also comes with the following FREE extras:

  • A worn spare tyre- A memento to the cars extensive history of driving pleasure.
  • Jack- A perfect companion to the worn tyre as without the jack you would still be driving the worn tyre.
  • Miscellaneous items such as golf balls and office stationary prove that its always been the vehicle of choice for mixing business with pleasure since its purchase many years ago.

Impossible to fully describe without first hand experience I have attempted above to capture the feel of what’s it is like to own a car that likes to chart its own road. You rediscover it everyday. Its all part of owning the worlds most glamorous car. This is how it can be for you.
But why trust a stranger you have never met? So let me provide you with actual quotes from some neutral source passengers and onlookers who have been graced with its presence in the two days I have owned it…

‘Well it runs’ – Previous owner

‘Its comfortable anyway’-Brother

‘Has it been crashed before?’ -Friend

‘At least its got an NCT for the next few months’ Father

‘Wow’ -Potential Romantic Interest

So if you’re a gentleman of renowned style and not afraid to make a bold statement call me today to discuss the particulars.

The Blue 1997 Volvo V70- It’s a simple choice.

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*Update*

Just back from jet-setting in the Rivera and have an inbox full with all sorts of rumours about the Volvo. Now being an international man of mystery I am no stranger to the paparazzi and pictures of yours truly in some wild late night scandal on the front pages. In high society though reputation is everything so there are some facts about the car I would like to clear up:

Yes it is true that the Volvo V70 was originally meant to be used instead of the 1967 Shelby Mustang GT 500 in the movie Gone in 60 Seconds.

Unfortunately Nicolas Cage found the car too aggressive and was afraid it could put the movie over budget.

False: The car will not feature in a new Kanye West music video as that would interfer with an already booked summer catalogue shot for Louis Vuitton in Vienna.

True: Steve McQueen and Clint Eastwood used the car extensively while method acting for roles such as Bullitt and Dirty Harry. Steve McQueen later stating that ‘the car introduced me to the thrill of racing and developed my addiction for speed’.

Now I have several potential buyers flying in from Milan, Abu Dhabi and Manhattan this evening for a black tie function based around the car. So as to not offend my aristocrat and sheikh friends I cannot except any offers just yet.

I will update some lifestyle pictures as to what it is like to own a car of this calibre in good time.

Till then – Au Revoir

Any press looking to feature the car PM me and I will try schedule a spot in the Volvos heavily booked schedule…

Author’s note: I have emailed therobfromireland for that press test drive offer.

Check it out for yourself over at Adverts.ie>

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