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14 products from Brown Thomas that will only appeal to people with serious notions

Rich people will buy anything.

IT’S A NEW year, so naturally there are plenty of new products in Brown Thomas that would make the average person want to scream. Here are some of the highlights of their current offerings:

1. A €420 sandwich grill.

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We all love a toastie, but most of us wouldn’t be willing to drop €420 on a fancy George Foreman. You’d get an entire oven for that price in Power City. It does cook more than cheese sandwiches – meat, pancakes etc. However, everyone else manages just fine cooking all of that stuff with their regular oven.

2. A €230 ‘artisan’ toaster.

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It only has two slots. You’re paying €230 for the ability to only make two slices of toast at a time. Despite that, the product description insists that this is a ‘must-have piece for every home’.

3. And this €160 kettle that has a ‘Whisper Boil’ feature.

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The product description explains: “Designed with a unique Whisper Boil feature, this kettle drastically reduces the noise of boiling.” In all of my years, I’ve never once heard anybody complain about the noise of a kettle boiling. If anything, listening to the water rolling while you wait for the click is actually kind of comforting.

The product description then goes on to highlight another feature. “The cup and measurement indicator is a handy way to get the right amount of water for your needs.” It’s nearly harder to get a kettle that *doesn’t* have the cup and measurement indicator on the side. This isn’t a fancy new invention. Any old €15 kettle from Power City has this feature.

4. A €50 cheese grater.

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For that price, you’d expect it to be electric or something. But nah, it’s just a regular handheld grater. Although, the product description boasts that this cheese grater has won many kitchen hand tool awards.

Can you just imagine attending the kitchen hand tool awards? Is it like the Oscars, but for cheese graters and scissors? There you are in a tuxedo, surrounded by all of the biggest names in the kitchen hand tool industry, anxiously waiting for the host to open the envelope and reveal whether or not you made the best cheese grater of the year.

5. A €36 soup ladle.

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Ireland is a country where some people can drop nearly €40 on soup ladles without a second thought while others rely on charity soup runs on the streets for their next meal. That says it all really. If you’re aged between 18-24, this soup ladle costs more than a third of what you’d receive per week on social welfare. And this ladle will do the exact same job as one that costs 75c in IKEA.

6. This €42 kitchen timer that quacks like a duck.

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It’s 2018. There is not one mobile phone on the market that doesn’t include a timer feature. Conveniently, you can also pop a phone in your pocket and travel from room to room until the timer goes off and reminds you to return to the kitchen.

However, the timer on your mobile phone does not make a quack noise, therefore you should probably go out and spend €42 on an entirely separate device that will have to remain in the kitchen because it will not fit into your pocket, all so that you can have the experience of hearing a quack when your egg is finally boiled.

7. A €90 citrus basket.

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Do you love oranges? Do you love lemons? Do you love limes? Do you love all of those fruits so much that you would spend up to €90 so that you could proudly put some citrus fruits on display in your home for the world (or, rather, a handful of guests) to see? Do you not know how to use a regular bowl? Then this is the perfect product for you.

 8. A €215 ice bucket.

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If you’re above throwing cans into an empty bin full of ice out your back garden when you’re having a party, you can always pay €215 for a fancier receptacle. This bucket was carefully designed by the World Champion bartender Charles Joly. According to the product description, this bucket has an ‘innovative and elegant’ ‘low-profile’ that makes it ‘easy to scoop out ice’.

9. A €460 set of plates and cups designed by a Victoria’s Secret model.

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When I originally read that this was called the ‘Royal Albert Miranda Kerr 15-Piece Set’ I was very confused. Why? Because I forgot who Miranda Kerr was and thought Miranda Hart had suddenly taken an interest in producing luxury delph. Once I realised that it was in fact, the Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr who designed this set of dishes, I was no less confused.

Is Miranda Kerr’s name big enough to sell €460 delph in Ireland? The fact that I thought she was British comedian Miranda Hart for a couple of seconds until I googled her suggests that the answer is no.

Anyway, the price of this takes ‘the good delph’ to another level. Would anyone be brave enough to get this out? Even at Christmas? Imagine how terrified you’d be to eat off of these plates. Not worth it.

10. A €175 cotton wool holder.

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If you find it really hard to think of a place to put all of your cotton wool and you have €175 to spare, today is your lucky day.

11. A €65 piggy bank.

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Personally, I’d prefer a piggy bank that cost a fiver and contained €60.

12. This €365 candle.

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I appreciate the smell of a Jo Malone candle or fragrance just as much as the next person. However, I wouldn’t get much pleasure out of watching and smelling €365 slowly burn in my home. And where does that money all go to? It funds Jo Malone’s habit of washing her floor and her dog with perfume.

13. A €41 three-piece dish set for children.

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As lovely as it is, who on earth would give their child ‘high quality porcelain’ and not expect a disaster.

14. A €190 ’round fruit’ holder.

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Here it is in action:

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My expectations for this product were not very high, yet I am still somehow disappointed by how it looks once it’s loaded up with round fruit.

If you want to look back on our previous reviews of the Brown Thomas home-ware department, you check them out here.

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