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Dublin: 11 °C Saturday 23 February, 2019
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11 distinctly Irish nutrition tips

Helping you become happier, if not healthier.

IRISH PEOPLE ARE amazing cooks, it’s just a fact. When it comes to nutrition, we’re on top of our game.

Be sure to comply with these essential Irish nutritional tips to keep things running like clockwork. Never again will your mam comment negatively on your weight loss and attempt to stuff you up.

1. Adhere to the proper Irish food ratio when preparing a plate

Quantity is key, and it’s not a meal unless there’s meat involved. Meat provides much-needed nutrients that the men of the house need for strenuous activities such as watching television and looking into sheds.

vegplateirishdinner Source: funfilledgeorgie

2. Meat must be cooked until almost charred

Don’t risk food poisoning or someone commenting that it might be ‘still alive’. Give your digestive system a workout by charring that beast until it’s a pleasant grey colour.

steaks

Also apply to vegetables. Boil to mush to unleash their true potential.

3. Adding milk to everything good way introduce more calcium

Calcium is needed for maximum vitamin D absorption, a pint with everything will ensure you don’t get those little white things on your fingernails, or so we’ve been told. What are they all about?

Be sure it’s full fat as well, sure that other stuff is just milk flavoured water.

Milkbottles Source: gwire

4. Beige food is in itself, an important food group

Beige food provides a nutrient vital to life, known as ‘comfort’. Use liberally. Good sources include bread, pasta, rice, and battered stuff.

Lunch Source: Ella (local colours)

5. Mashing releases all true nutritional potential

Potato? Mash em. Turnips? Mash. Beans, peas, carrots, MUSH IT. Basically, if it can be crushed with a masher, mash it. It breaks down the cells holding in the vitamins, or something. That’s a science fact.

mashed taters Source: plasticrevolver

6. Remove all roughage from everything

Peel potatoes, apples, cut off all crusts when making sandwiches, scrape any veggies off pizza.

IMG_1766 Source: BlogSpot

Roughage is just bulk that takes up room in those blocked intestines.

Day 312: Prelude to Apple Crisp Source: quinn.anya

7. Tea is the elixir of life

Tea is not just a beverage, there’s ‘atin and drinking in it. Starving? Tea. Freezing? Tea. Tired? Tea. Be warned though, it may be ineffective if not consumed alongside some form of Jacobs biscuit. It’s like the whole Vitamin D-Calcium thing again. Trust us.

Mug of Tea Source: grassrootsgroundswell

8. For a quick sugar rush, add to bread

Sugar sandwiches are more effective than those dirty energy drinks. You’ll be bouncing off the walls AND it’s a sandwich so it’s basically an acceptable lunch.

sandwich Source: Michael Kwan

9. Expiration dates are just an estimation

You can complain all you want, you’re having that two-day expired milk on your cereal because your complaints just make you notiony and over-sensitive to smells. The shops just put it on there to sell you more, there were no expiration dates in your parents’ day and aren’t they all the better for it! AREN’T THEY?

We still must insist that you root through the shelves for the latest date you can find, it makes economical sense, really.

milkexpiration Source: Cheezburger

10. Freezing bread holds the goodness for longer

It also prevents embarrassing moments if unexpected visitors come over and there’s nothing to put the egg mayo in.

- Imgflip Source: Brennans

11. Tinned fruit serves as a great substitute for your five a day

Lob a bit of powdered custard and whipped cream on top of it and you’ve got a trifle. The healthy dessert. If they go uneaten you can always harvest them for your kid’s school food drive.

Canned Fruit Source: Batchelors

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