Dublin: 2 °C Friday 1 December, 2023

18 of the most mortifying things that could happen to an Irish teenager

“Would you like to share that with the class?” NO. NEVER. LET ME DIE.

1. Calling your teacher ‘mammy’. Embarrassing at any age, but especially as a teenager

2. Similarly, saying ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism’ in Biology

3. Your teacher confiscating the gossip-stuffed note you’d been passing to your mate in front of the whole class. Oh god Miss DON’T READ IT OUT

4. Being asked if you were a fridget, if you were a fridget

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5. ”I love Black Sabbath.” “*clearly lying* Oh my god, me too!” “What’s your favourite song?” “Ammm…”

6. Your friends seeing the cringey picture of Baby You in the bath that hung in the living room and dining out on it for WEEKS

7. Your parents arriving to collect you from the cinema/disco/friend’s party too early, and beeping the horn if you didn’t come out fast enough

8. When your parents even so much as breathed near your friends. Pleeeeeease go away dad

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9. Accidentally revealing your ignorance about sexual matters, and wishing for the sweet release of death

10. Any time your parents attempted to have The Talk with you

11. When your Biology teacher unleashed the diagrams of the reproductive systems and everyone giggled but inside you were like AAAARGH WHAT IS THAT

12. When your friend asked “Would you shift me mate?” (AKA you) and they said no :(

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13. When your name was called out over the intercom at school and everyone went “OoooOOOOOOooohhhhh!”

14. Going into school the day after you got braces and praying no one looked at or spoke to you for the 2-4 years it’d take your teeth to straighten out

15. When you tried to do something impressive in front of your crush (pop a wheelie, share knowledge of a cool band, maybe score a goal) and failed miserably

16. Vomiting at the mere sniff of an alco pop outside a teenage disco

17. Your parents barging in to your room at inopportune moments, like when you were practicing kissing on the back of your hand

18. “Ha ha, Sarah likes Maaaark!” “I DO NOT! *plainly likes Mark*”

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