IN THE PAST few years, the world has become obsessed with coconut. For those of us who despise coconut, this is not a good thing.
END THE COCONUT TYRANNY NOW.
1. There are crumbles of desiccated coconut on everything these days
Rolling something in desiccated coconut automatically ruins it as a dessert. It’s not a treat any more.
2. And you can taste it even if you can’t see it
Rude AF.
3. Everyone’s trying to get you to cook with coconut oil
You think you can sneak the coconut in, but we see you.
4. And drink their heinous coconut water
Here’s the truth: It tastes like death. Don’t even pretend.
5. There are always too many of these in a box of Celebrations
The most disappointing sight.
6. And you have to wonder what kind of coconut agenda Mars are pushing
Who’s paying you, Mars? The coconut lobby?
7. The texture is extremely upsetting
Think of the mallow part of a Mikado biscuit.
Think of how it has been desecrated by stringy, dry desiccated coconut that just hangs around in your mouth forever afterwards. Think about that.
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8. You can just about put up with the smell
It’s vaguely summery. You can be into that.
9. But everything else coconut can jog on
Especially the desiccated stuff. Come near us with that and you die.
