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fifty shades of george

9 of the most WTF lines from George Hook's erotic novel

Make sure you’ve had your breakfast.

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A FEW WEEKS ago, we told you about George Hook’s forays into erotic fiction.

And this morning, he appeared on The Brendan O’Connor Show on RTÉ Radio 1 to have an innuendo-laden conversation with O’Connor about his planned erotic novel.

Hook revealed that he’s a third of the way through the book, which centres around a character named Geoff, and said that he is planning on writing a trilogy.

RTERadio1 / YouTube

And the plot doesn’t sound familiar at all.

It’s all in a radio station owned by an eccentric billionaire. One of the presenters – fat, old, balding radio presenter - is coming near the end of his life and he looks back.

After much chat and innuendo — including a reference to “finishing up very quickly” that appeared to go over Hook’s head — Hook treated listeners to two excerpts from his novel.

Both were prefaced with warnings from O’Connor that they were not suitable for “little ears” and frankly they’re barely suitable for adult eyes, but here were are.

Here are 9 of the most groan-worthy lines from the book.

1. “One thing dominated his thinking since that first erection in the outside toilet of the tenement block he inhabited with four other families.”

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2. “Other boys dreamed of fame and fortune, he dreamed of women. God, how he loved them.”

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3. “It wasn’t the act, but the chase, the victory, the heap of clothes on the floor, that gave him pleasure. “

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4. “Joanie, the new night nurse, was his kind of girl. She was a size 16 and the white starched uniform struggled to hold her magnificent Double D breasts. “

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5. “Last night when she bent over him to fluff his pillows, he had a glimpse of her little girls.”

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6. “She was in five-inch heels and there was a slash of red on the lovely mouth that opened to mutter the immortal words, ‘Time for your injections, Geoff.’”

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7.  ”He groaned.”

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8. “Slowly and deliberately, she unbuttoned the first four buttons and he saw the wondrous orbs.”

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9. “ And then, the objects of his imagination fell loose.”

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Little girls, wondrous orbs…

Well done, George.

You’ve managed to leave us speechless.

Previously: An essential history of George Hook’s career as an erotic novelist >

An Irish man is looking for a wedding plus-one on DoneDeal with ‘all her own teeth’ >

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