1. Ascertain if you have any voice left. Sexy rasp? Well done, youâre grand. Full on croak? Hope youâre ready for some raised eyebrows at work tomorrow!
2. Wonder whether to change clothes/baby wipe yourself/even look at your hair, but decline because it doesnât matter now. Nothing does.
3. Have âone last canâ offered to you by the mad lads that seemingly didnât budge from their gazebo all weekend long, and who probably wonât move until forced.
4. Accept the can because hey, weâre still partying! Yeeeoooooowww, my head.
5. Debate whether itâs âworth itâ to wrestle your tent back into the carry bag. Feel guilty. Wrestle the tent back into the carry bag.
6. Scream at anyone who dares to start a chant to âSHUUUUT UUUUPâ.
7. Contemplate breakfast.
8. Say no to breakfast. Fill a two litre bottle with water instead and clutch at it like a lifeline.
9. Begin the torturous task of dragging your booze trolley back to the bus/car park, losing a wheel in the muck.
10. Gaze at the decrepit faces of the people around you and think âOh god, everybody looks AWFUL.â
11. Catch sight of yourself in a wing mirror or car window. Shudder.
12. Tell yourself that you left early enough to avoid the Stradbally traffic. But you havenât left early enough, and no one is sure if itâs even possible to do so.
13. Stare at the line of cars ahead and think about what it felt like to sleep in a bed and sit on something soft. That was great. Youâll never take that for granted again.
14. Glimpse your front door, and almost weep.
15. Pull off your mucky wellies and deposit them in the hall, where they will remain until you go looking for them next year.
16. Shower. For as long as you can. Will you ever feel clean again? Maybe not.
17. Put on your roomiest clothes, cocoon yourself in a blanket, and have something close to a religious experience. WHAT IS THIS COMFORT?
18. Order food in varying shades of brown and beige and manage to eat it while also lying down.
19. Go to bed at 8pm praying for the sweet release of death, while also vowing to do it all again next year.
Happy Picnic, folks!
