Dublin: 14 °C Monday 29 May, 2023
AP Photo/Kerstin Joensson. This Irish Wolfhound was NOT harmed by a Rose. It's never even been to Tralee.
# Not the News
Here is the week’s news… skewed
BREAKING via The Mire wire: Burglars thank Department of Justice for not replacing Garda squad cars and a Rose goes rogue…

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Gardaí praised for soaring burglary rate

Monday, 20 August

Criminals have praised gardaí and the Department of Justice for their contribution to the soaring burglary rate in the State.

“This success hasn’t come easy,” a burglar said. “It took hard work and dedication and we would never have succeeded without the support of the Department of Justice. Taking squad cars off gardaí was just one of many inspired moves that helped make the difference,” he added.

“We owe a debt of gratitude to the Department of Justice.”

“Don’t mention it,” a Department of Justice spokesman said.

Fears for residents before/after HSE takes over nursing home

Tuesday, 21 August

Concern is mounting for the residents of a Galway nursing home after it was taken over by the HSE.

This follows concern for the residents of the same nursing home before it was taken over by the HSE.

“The residents were kept in appalling conditions and what does the Department of Health do? It only goes and puts the HSE in charge,” a concerned citizen said.

“You might as well stick them all on an endless Ryanair flight… or send them to Syria… anything but the HSE.”

Ugly side of beauty revealed

Wednesday, 22 August

The army were called to the Rose of Tralee final last night after the Rockall Rose bit the head off a live Irish Wolfhound and spat it into the crowd.

Onlookers were aghast as the dog’s blood dripped from her full lips and threatened to ruin her beautiful dress.

Disaster was averted when presenter Daithí Ó Sé saved the dress by throwing himself over the comely shoulders of the rabid rose.

Mr Ó Sé then took the opportunity to flirt with the Rockall Rose and her mother.

“Sadly, some of our roses go postal from time to time,” an organiser said. “It’s the ugly side of beauty.”

Members of the army’s bomb disposal unit were later able to make the Rockall Rose safe in a controlled explosion.

Unscrupulous bankers assaulting public with loans

Thursday, 23 August

Members of the public have been warned not to approach banks on their own in case they are forced to accept a loan.

Bank of Ireland and AIB are struggling to meet their Government-set targets to lend €3.5 billion each to small businesses this year.

“We are hearing that they are now accosting members of the public on the street and stuffing money into their pockets,” an expert in this type of thing said.

“It is deplorable when people cannot walk the streets of Irish towns without being offered loans by unscrupulous bankers,” he added.

Love of hanging baskets brought Lenin to Ireland

Friday, 24 August

Vladimir Lenin was a regular visitor to Ireland, Taoiseach Enda Kenny told a gathering to celebrate the role of the hanging basket in Irish culture.

“Lenin loved our hanging baskets,” Mr Kenny said. “He hoped to create a Soviet society where everyone would have hanging baskets.”

“Stalin also loved to visit Ireland,” Mr Kenny added. “In fact he often officiated in our Tidy Towns competitions.”

Mr Kenny said it was only civilised that communists and Fine Gaelers could forget their differences and come together to celebrate hanging baskets and tidy towns.

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