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# Not the News
Here is the week's news... skewed
Breaking via The Mire wire: Making it easier to get an Irish Heritage certificate; criminals too busy wetting themselves at Garda Segways to commit crimes; Richie Boucher catches Bond producers’ eye.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Irish Heritage Certificates can’t compete with Irish passports

Monday, 29 October

The Government is to relax the rules that allow people to claim Certificates of Irish Heritage in the hope that someone might want one.

So far only 1,042 Irish Heritage Certificates have sold at €40 each since they were introduced 13 months ago.

It had been hoped that they would prove attractive to the Irish diaspora of 60 million people. However, they have struggled to compete with the more widely available Irish passport.

“We’re looking at relaxing the rules so they can compete with the passport,” a spokesman said. “The test could be to point to Ireland on a map of the world with only Ireland on it.”

“Targeting the Chinese is also an option. There are so many of them, some of them must want to be Irish.”

Fears ministers could receive pensions of only €400,000

Tuesday, 30 October

There are widespread fears that Government ministers could receive pensions of only €400,000.

Members of the public have contacted The Mire concerned that ex-ministers could end up back in a life of crime or suffering hardship in old age.

“It seems like a lot when you see it written down but these are ministers – they’re not like us,” one caller said.

“Couldn’t we divert the Household Charge to them,” another caller suggested. “It’s only going to be wasted anyway.”

Maternity hospital for children ‘a sign of the times’

Wednesday, 31 October

The Government has said that the construction of a maternity hospital on the site of the national children’s hospital is a sign of the times.

It is now planned to build both new hospitals at St James’s Hospital.

“It’s a sign of the times,” a spokesman said. “Kids don’t play cowboys and indians any more.”

“There will also be a rest home facility for elderly people who were children when their hospital was first planned.”

Crime halves as criminals wet themselves

Thursday, 1 November

Crime in the Dublin area halved yesterday after gardaí took to the streets of the capital on Segways.

Hardened criminals were too busy wetting themselves to mug, steal or murder and drug users said they were changing their ways.

“Jaysus. Daleks,” one young drug-addled man said.

Bond producers consider Boucher, Shatter for next villain

Friday, 2 November

The producers of James Bond are looking at casting someone from Irish politics or banking circles as the villain in their next movie.

They are particularly impressed with Bank of Ireland CEO Richie Boucher after his performance under questioning from Stephen Donnelly TD at the Joint Oireachtas Committee on Finance, Public Expenditure and Reform.

“He’s great. We’re just not sure what the audience would make of a villain who completely ignores Bond,” a source said.

Justice Minister Alan Shatter is also under consideration but producers fear he may be a bit too obvious.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>

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