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Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Donkey meat disgusts horse meat eaters; Pat Rabbitte’s Valentine to himself; retirement advice from an ex-Pope.

Here's one thing an ex-pope doesn't have to deal with: flyaway capes.
Here's one thing an ex-pope doesn't have to deal with: flyaway capes.
Image: AP Photo/Alessandra Tarantino

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Consumers outraged by donkey meat in horse meat beef burgers

Monday, 11 February

Consumers have spoken of their bitter disappointment at finding out there was donkey meat in their horse meat beef burgers.

People who felt fit and healthy on hearing they had eaten horse meat said they felt sluggish, stupid and stubborn when told they had eaten donkey.

“To be honest I’m outraged,” one consumer said. “How can they tell us it’s horse meat and then tell us it’s donkey meat?”

“There should be laws governing food.”

Ex-Pope says Lidl shopping sprees a highlight of retirement

Monday, 11 February

A former Pope has warned that Pope Benedict XVI may find it difficult to let go of some of the trappings of being the Holy Father.

“It’s not easy to just switch off and stop blessing people,” ex-Pope Gregory said.

“And life can be quite empty,” he added. “You spend your days waiting for Mondays and Thursdays to arrive so you can go to Lidl for the specials. I got a nice toaster this morning. Would you like to see it?”

North Korea honours Pope with third nuclear test

Tuesday, 12 February

North Korea took advantage of Pope Benedict’s resignation when carrying out its third nuclear test today.

“All eyes were on Rome,” a spokesman for the totalitarian state said.

“It was a perfect opportunity to dump a bit of bad news.”

The spokesman confirmed that the country’s supreme leader Kim Jong Un also wanted to mark the Pope’s decision to stand down.

“It’s true. He wanted to honour him,” he explained. “He’s always been a huge fan.”

Pope’s beach towel already on sunlounger in Gran Canaria

Wednesday, 13 February

Irish holidaymakers in Gran Canaria have been outraged to find the Pope’s beach towel is already on a poolside sun lounger there.

“He’s not retiring until the end of February and his towel is already on the sunlounger closest to the pool,” a disgusted Derek from Crumlin said.

“We’re going home on the 21st so we’ll never get to lie on it.”

“Feckin’ Germans, I’m going to the bar,” he added.

Rabbitte wins Dáil Valentine’s Day challenge

Thursday, 14 February

Communications Minister Pat Rabbitte won the Dáil Valentine’s Day challenge when he received 103 cards from himself.

Tourism Minister Leo Varadkar was a close second, sending himself 97 cards. Mr Varadkar also sent himself 20 Gathering cards but the Ceann Comhairle ruled against them.

“They’re not Valentine’s cards,” the Ceann Comhairle said. “I don’t care how many kisses they have on them.”

Health Minister Dr James Reilly eschewed the practice of sending himself cards and got himself chocolates instead.

“Om nom nom,” he said.

Gardaí to strike unless horse meat is removed from their food chain

Friday, 15 February

Gardaí will launch industrial action next week unless horse meat is removed from their food chain.

The threat came after gardaí around the country started staring at their dinners and wondering what they were eating.

“It’s hard to focus on not having a squad car or a Garda station when you don’t know what you’re eating,” a garda said. “I keep thinking of Black Beauty.”

“Everything used to be so simple. You were a garda, you had a squad car and you ate beef.”

“Bacon and cabbage too, sometimes,” he added.

Read previous week’s editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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