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How am I supposed to get out of this place now that my plane's crashed? mouse via Shutterstock
Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Rodents’ emigration plans thwarted; Revenue Commissioners get seriously serious; smart economy passes away in Leinster House.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Calls for Murder for Hire industry to be regulated

Monday, 4 March

There have been calls for the Murder for Hire industry to be regulated after a man allegedly trying to hire a hitman inadvertently hired a garda instead.

“This is a farce,” a potential customer said. “The last thing you want to find when you’re looking for a hitman is a garda.”

“Sure most of them aren’t even armed.”

“The industry needs regulating,” a hitman who did not wish to be named said. “You could have all sorts of undesirables pretending to be hitmen.”

Football world divided over death of Chávez

Tuesday, 5 March

The world of football was divided this morning following the death of Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez.

Some people thought he shouldn’t have died while others were more willing to accept his fate.

Roy Keane, who many believe could be interested in the Venezuelan job, appeared to think it was inevitable.

Sir Alex Ferguson was too distraught to speak.

Smart Economy passes away in Leinster House

Wednesday, 6 March

Condolence messages came from as far afield as Silicon Valley after the Smart Economy passed away in Leinster House.

The death occurred as an Oireachtas Committee held a hearing on the dangers of social media.

Eyewitnesses said the Smart Economy died despite the best efforts of members of the Oireachtas to save it.

“They tried to resuscitate it by putting their feet in their mouths but it was all in vain,” a witness said. “It had lost the will to live.”

A friend of the Smart Economy said he took comfort in knowing its suffering was at an end.

“The neglect is over, the abuse is over, rest now,” he said.

Plane crash thwarts rodents’ hopes for a better life

Thursday, 7 March

They hoped for a better life but it wasn’t to be.

Thousands of mice and rats who were hoping to make a new life for themselves had their hopes dashed when their plane crashed at Dublin airport today.

The rodents had hoped to emigrate without being noticed but are now doomed to remain in austerity Ireland.

“We didn’t want to be taxed for being pregnant,” a female rat said.

“We were going to Canada,” a mouse said. “It’s more hospitable than Australia these days.”

“The recession has hit all creatures great and small,” David McWilliams said.

Pay property tax or Revenue will find you and kill you

Friday, 8 March

The Revenue Commissioners have revealed plans to find and kill anyone who doesn’t pay their property tax.

“If you pay it now, that’ll be the end of it,” a spokesperson said. “I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.”

“But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

“I’ve always wanted to say that,” they added.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >