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Too many MCs, not enough mics? The Eucharistic Congress via Roy Keane. Laura Hutton/Photocall Ireland
Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

BREAKING via The Mire wire: A “no loaves, no fishes” Eucharistic Congress; TDs free to terrorise old constituencies…

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

No loaves, no fishes, no good – Roy Keane slams Eucharistic Congress

Monday, 18 June

Controversial religious figure Roy Keane has slammed the Eucharistic Congress which concluded in Dublin’s Croke Park yesterday.

“Too many prima donnas, too many stars,” Mr Keane spat. “Just turning up for a sing-song and a bit of a pray.”

“And the Pope on video, how tacky. Pope Soap on a Rope had more class.”

“No loaves, no fishes, no good,” he concluded.

Lonely old tea drinkers may already be dead

Tuesday, 19 June

Lonely old tea drinkers are more likely to die than live, according to studies published today.

A Daily Telegraph survey revealed that men who drink 7 cups of tea a day are more likely to develop prostate cancer and another study showed loneliness doubles the risk of dying among older people.

“Lonely old tea drinkers haven’t got a chance,” an expert said. “They’re probably already dead.”

“It’s just a shame their last few hours were probably spent watching Ireland play Italy,” he added.

Ryanair finds flushing cookies won’t reduce Aer Lingus cost

Wednesday, 20 June

Trying to buy Aer Lingus is worse than trying to buy a ticket for a Ryanair flight, according to sources involved in Ryanair’s bid.

“Every time we try to buy it the price goes up,” a source said. “It’s worse than trying to fly Ryanair.”

Michael O’Leary’s airline have made three attempts to buy Aer Lingus. “We’ve tried flushing cookies to go back to the original price but it doesn’t work,” the source added.

“Who do they think they are? Us?”

Former TDs free to terrorise old constituencies

Thursday, 21 June

Former TDs could be free to terrorise their old constituencies if plans to reduce the number of TDs in Dáil Éireann by eight go ahead.

The plans to redraw constituency boundaries do not include any strategy to manage the eight ex-TDs.

“They will be free to roam at will and take their anger out on their former constituents,” a Garda source warned.

“We can only hope that they are taken into care by the HSE.”

Shooting at toddlers’ feet helps them lose weight

Thursday, 21 June

A groundbreaking HSE study has found that shooting at toddlers’ feet can be a potent weapon in the war against childhood obesity.

Parents of obese toddlers are to be issued with HSE guns after the study found that children forced to dance for long periods succeed in losing weight.

“Each parent will receive enough ammunition to keep their child dancing for hours every day,” a spokesman said. “It’s a pain-free solution – everyone loves dancing.”

There was, however, some criticism of the move. “This is the nanny state gone mad. Let parents buy their own guns and ammunition,” a backbench TD said.

UK Prime Minister Cameron feared lost on moral high ground

Friday, 22 June

Concern is mounting for UK Prime Minister David Cameron who may be lost on the moral high ground.

Mr Cameron, known humourously in the UK as ‘Prime Minister’, took to the high ground when he said comedian Jimmy Carr’s tax evasion was “morally wrong”.

“We’re quite worried,” Mr Cameron’s friend Boris said. “The moral high ground is unknown territory for him. He might never find his way back.”

Observers believe Mr Cameron’s interest in the moral high ground developed recently. “He didn’t have it when his mates were appearing before the Leveson inquiry,” one said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of TheMire’s Not the News >

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