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Dublin: 8 °C Friday 10 July, 2020
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A Dublin man has come up with a frankly genius solution to all our Brexit woes

All we need is a giant pair of scissors and Paul O’Connell.

Britain EU Photo Gallery Source: AP/Press Association Images

WITH BRITAIN VOTING to leave the European Union, the continent has been thrown into uncertainty. But Dublin man Graham O’Malley has the answer.

He has outlined a very simple 12-point plan for sorting us all out, involving a giant pair of scissors, Nicola Sturgeon, Paul O’Connell, and Ireland looking like this:

13529066_10154141134774404_6018490689375818259_n Source: Facebook/Graham O'Malley

The plan has been shared over 18,000 times on Facebook, so you know it’s a good one. Stick with it. You’ll see.

  1. We save up all our pocket money and buy a giant scissors. Like one at least 2km long.
  2. We take our scissors on the ferry over to Scotland as a gift for Nicola Sturgeon.
  3. Nicola, on the sly, starts severing the English/Scottish border with the scissors.
  4. If the English notice and start kicking up a fuss we send in some craic squads of Irish football fans to distract them with cans and a sing-song.
  5. We attach the now free-floating Scotland to Paul O’Connell, who has been patiently waiting off the west coast of Scotland.
  6. Paul tows Scotland to the top of our island and we swap it with the North (remember: we still have the scissors).
  7. We glue Scotland to the top of Ireland while Paul tows the North up past Buncrana towards Sligo, where we use more glue to attach it there.
  8. We *maybe* repeat the whole process with Wales, still on the fence about this one, might have to take a vote.
  9. Our newly formed country ‘The Celtic Isles’ remains in the EU.
  10. We win all the football forever and probably all the other sportsball too I guess.
  11. England has a big cry cos now it’s basically that kid no one invites to the party cos he’s kind of a d**k.
  12. The Isle of Man is like ‘Guys what’s going on lol’ but no one answers because seriously, f**k the Isle of Man, state of it.

giphy Source: Giphy

Masterful. Graham’s confidence is just what the Celtic Isles need:

I don’t think there are any objective flaws in this plan and I spent nearly three minutes coming up with it so it’s probably rock solid.

Over 18,000 people can’t be wrong. Right… Where do you get a 2km long pair of scissors?

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