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Dublin: 10 °C Tuesday 11 December, 2018
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11 things Irish people have absolutely no time for (and never will)

It’s your round, remember?

EVER SINCE THE boom of the mid-noughties, the term ‘notions’ has been bandied about with wild abandon.

r l

Indeed, the frequency with which it has been used has rendered it almost meaningless at this stage. We mean, if you’ve ever so much as ordered off the brunch menu, you can safely assume someone, somewhere, thinks you have notions.

And while we’re much more accepting of our notions these days, there are some things that Irish people just won’t stand for, and likely never will.

1. Excessive use of kitchen roll.

Kitchen roll is for three things, and three things only; show, guests and Christmas.

So, unless any of those three things apply, you’ll be using the ratty dishcloth, so don’t get above your station.

2. Lack of respect at a trad session.

Impromptu trad sessions are given much reverence in Irish pubs, and there’s an unspoken rule that performers be treated with respect, and that means – depending on your proximity to the sesh – feigning enthusiasm for each and every song or poem performed.

So even if Jossie Quinn’s rendition of Raglan Road is going through your head, you better put up and shut up or exit stage left.

TRAD

3. Excessive wine-tasting.

There’s humouring the waiter by taking a sip, feigning knowledge and confirming that said wine is agreeable, and then there’s smelling the vino, considering the taste and  actually requesting a different bottle.

Have you no manners, and the waiter already after opening it for you?

4. Sending back meals.

Unless something on your plate takes an actual swing at you, most Irish people will silently judge you for sending back a meal.

And even then, they’ll wonder why you didn’t just take a swing back, grapple silently and just compensate by over-indulging in the wine.

5. New neighbours with notions.

New neighbours will always be met with an air of suspicion.

While old neighbours – who have paid their dues and done their time – may be forgiven their notions, the same leniency isn’t afforded to blow-ins.

Do your time before you unleash your notiony ways.

suspicious

6. Not standing your round.

You could have the shortest arms and the deepest pockets, but you’ll stand your round if it kills you.

Unless, that is, the group has decided otherwise, in which case they’ll fight you to the death to ensure you don’t get anywhere near that bar.

round

7.  People ‘finding’ themselves.

We’re all for travelling, but only if the main motivator is gainful employment or considerable sessioning.

We’ve little time for trips which involves introspection and soul-seaching, so if that is the reason you’re picking up and moving on, you’re best off keeping it to yourself.

8. Outdoor film screenings.

Outdoor film screenings are all well and good in theory, but the reality of watching a film on the cold, hard ground of a Dublin park is vastly different.

Unless you arrived early enough to secure a bean bag, that is.

But as you’re Irish you definitely didn’t, and have to therefore endure two hours desperately rubbing your lower back and wondering why you paid good money to sit on your own jacket.

outdoor movie

9. Too much self-confidence.

One of the worst things you can do when receiving a compliment off an Irish person is agree with them.

While we’re quick to compliment, we’re just as quick to tell people you’re absolutely weak for yourself.

check yourself

10. Public displays of affection.

Whether it’s on social media or in the middle of Grafton Street, Irish people have no time for excessive displays of affection.

And we’ve even less time for people who indulge in them.

11. Any amount of Paddwhackery.

Whether it’s an appalling take on an Irish accent or the use of ‘bejaysus and begorrah’ by anyone under the age of 80 and from anywhere but Ireland, we won’t stand for it.

We’ve given fair warning.

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