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James Reilly, circuses: The week's news skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: “I was delighted when I heard we were getting a new political party,” a man on a bus in Rialto said. “Then I heard there were TDs in it.”

Image: Laura Hutton/Photocall Ireland

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Witch trials could mean suicidal women can have abortions

Monday, 22 April

Progress on the draft abortion bill has been halted after Fine Gael proposed immersing pregnant women in water to see if they are genuinely suicidal.

Under the Fine Gael proposal four psychiatrists and two obstetricians will observe as women are tied to a chair that is lowered into water.

“If they cease to struggle and drown they can have an abortion,” a source within the party said.

“It’s not a perfect solution to this vexed issue but it’s as close as we can get.”

SIPTU wants to increase taxes on wealthy trade union leaders

Tuesday, 23 April

SIPTU president Jack O’Connor has come up with a radical strategy to make up the shortfall in the public purse following the rejection of Croke Park II.

Mr O’Connor appeared on Morning Ireland this morning and surprised many when he said a significant saving could be made by taxing wealthy trade union leaders.

“Tax us. We’re loaded,” Mr O’Connor said.

Other trade union leaders were shocked. “He sounds like some kind of socialist,” one said.

Dr James Reilly spurns chance to run away and join a circus

Wednesday, 24 April

Health Minister Dr James Reilly has apparently turned down a lucrative opportunity to run away and join the circus.

Chipperfield’s Circus has been scouring the world for a clown in the hope of reviving its failing fortunes.

“We’re looking for someone unique, someone completely unbelievable,” a circus source said.

“Dr Reilly’s cunning mix of the absurd and farcical when dealing with the tragic is like nothing we have ever seen.”

It is thought that Dr Reilly turned down the circus as he is committed to making a laughing stock of the health service.

New political party to launch next month then split

Thursday, 25 April

A new political party due to be launched next month is due to split shortly afterwards as it has too many members with strong views.

The United Left is to be launched by TDs Clare Daly and Joan Collins.

“If you heard it was Clare Daly or Joan Collins it might have a chance,” an analyst said. “But together… there’s just too many of them.”

“I was delighted when I heard we were getting a new political party,” a man on a bus in Rialto said. “Then I heard there were TDs in it.”

Kim Jong-un declares support for Lucinda Creighton

Friday, 26 April

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has rallied to the defence of Junior Minister Lucinda Creighton over her stance on the abortion issue.

Ms Creighton insisted yesterday that she was not a fanatic or fundamentalist.

“I know exactly how Lucinda feels,” Kim Jong-un said.

“People often accuse me of being a fanatic too but I’m not. Like Lucinda I just happen to be right all the time.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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