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The 9 unmistakeable symptoms of manflu

Have you, or has someone close to you, been afflicted by this condition?

THIS SEASON IS manflu season, and many around us are suffering.

To help you to identify those in need – and separate true manflu victims from impostors – we have compiled this list of the condition’s unmistakeable symptoms.

Feel free to print out and keep as a bedside reference.

1. Sullen, reserved demeanour

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This is the first sign that the plague may be upon the victim.

The sufferer will become withdrawn and uncommunicative. He will most likely respond to enquiries with a brusque declaration that he is “not feeling well” and will be “going to bed early”.

There may also be sniffles at this point, or upon waking up the next morning.

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2. Swollen sensitivity to sarcasm

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Early stages of the disease are also marked by an almost paranoia-like fear of mockery.

Sensing the slightest edge of irony in an enquiry about their condition can send the patient into a downward spiral of victimhood. This is a serious risk and should not be laughed at WHY ARE YOU SMILING IT’S NOT FUNNY.

3. Inflamed sense of victimhood in general

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The patient will likely become convinced that nobody has suffered like this, ever. This will not be communicated in words, but in their attitude and behaviour more generally.

4. Craving for affection

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Men who previously were surly, physical types with three-day stubble and an attitude problem will be reduce to strange kitten-like creatures who merely want to lay their head in your lap and have it stroked.

5. Selflessly allowing other people to do chores

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Cooking dinner, doing the hoovering, bringing fresh plates of buttered toastie soldiers with soft-boiled egg to the bedside: the truly suffering victim will cast his ego aside and allow others to step in to these tasks.

6. Increased appetite

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But only for foods mammy made when the patient was a poorly young ‘un. Shepherd’s pie, scrambled egg on toast, bangers and mash are all acceptable medicines. No, it’s never going to be quite like mother made but it will DO.

7. Need to wear outdoor garments around the house

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And/or other warm, comforting garments.

Yes, even though the heating is on. Yes, even though the patient sometimes declines to wear that lovely cashmere scarf you got them last Christmas because it’s not really their style.

8. Constant checking of ‘glands’

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With the very gentlest of touches. Often accompanied by requests for partners, housemates and occasionally strangers to lay hands on and “see if they feel swollen to you”.

In this condition, glands are an essential barometer of health and require constant close monitoring.

9. And finally, willingness to describe symptoms at great length

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Despite their undoubted suffering, the manflu victim will often summon the energy to explain the exact progress of their disease and its latest manifestations.

Detailed explanation of ‘throaty’ and ‘chesty’ coughs should be expected, as well as graphic descriptions of mucus. Especially over dinner.

Have you spotted any manflu symptoms that might add to this list? Let us know in the comments below. This is a matter of life and death.

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