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Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call Quinnsolvency... Niall Carson/PA Images, file
Not the News

Here is the week in news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: making it easier for everyone to be insolvent; Alan Shatter’s beliebers; Quinnsolvency and waking up the Troika in the middle of the night…

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Shatter still hopeful judiciary can become beliebers

Tuesday, 16 April

Justice Minister Alan Shatter remains hopeful that the country’s judges can one day become beliebers.

The judiciary have taken a stand against Mr Shatter amid fears that their independence is being eroded by him.

“He’s picking on us like we’re single mothers,” a judge said.

However, Mr Shatter, who was surrounded by teenage fans swooning and seeking autographs, said the judiciary had nothing to fear from him.

“Many of my beliebers are single mothers,” he said. “Hopefully the judges can become beliebers too. Would you like an autograph?”

Troika ‘doesn’t take calls’ from Irish Government ministers

Wednesday, 17 April

Brendan Howlin’s statement that he would be talking to the Troika last night has been called into question as they don’t take calls from Irish Government ministers.

The Public Expenditure Minister insisted he would talk to the Troika after SIPTU rejected the Croke Park 2 deal.

However, a member of the Troika insisted they stopped taking calls from Irish ministers shortly after the bailout.

“They could phone at any hour of the day or night to talk about rezoning or match tickets,” he said. “Never about the economy.”

New guidelines to make insolvency available to all

Thursday, 18 April

The Government is to issue guidelines later today that will make personal insolvency available to all. The move comes after the government admitted that many people were failing to become insolvent despite the economic crisis.

“Thousands have managed to become insolvent without any State aid but others struggle,” a  source said.

“Obviously we’ve helped some of these over the line with pay cuts and tax increases but there are still many out there failing to become insolvent.”

“The message is that the government is here for you,” he added. “With the help of the pillar banks we can make you insolvent.”

Quinnsolvency the most attractive insolvency scheme

Friday, 19 April

Quinnsolvency is the most attractive insolvency scheme in Ireland although it is not within reach for ordinary decent bankrupt people.

“You can see the attraction,” said a Personal Insolvency Practitioner (PIP), who was previously an out-of-work solicitor. “You get to live like a lord and complain about it.”

The least popular is a scheme announced by Justice Minister Alan Shatter yesterday where you pay a PIP to become insolvent and he tells you what to watch on television while you become obese eating cheap food.

“Fair City all the way,” the PIP said. “And Findus horsey pancakes.”

An increasingly popular alternative is to commit armed robbery, go to prison and watch what you like on television while getting spending money from the State.

“That’s what I’d do if I wasn’t a PIP,” the PIP said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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