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Dublin: 13 °C Thursday 9 July, 2020
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Column: Cardinal Rules - Making sense of this crazy world

This week, the (not) Primate of All Ireland copes with the break-up of the wholesome group Boyslife – and the reunion of the Stone Roses.

(Not) Cardinal Sean Brady

KEEPING UP with our ever-changing world can be hard work. That is why I keep a diary of events both inside and outside the house. What better way to digest and contemplate the “crazy world we live in.”

Saturday
Fr Ryan spends the day talking about Joe Duffy’s Late Late Show appearance. (Which the rest of us missed because we were watching Graham Norton.)

Fr Ryan is a big fan of misery memoirs. His book shelves are simply groaning with popular titles like “Ma, he sold me to the coal man”, and “Ma, I’m after going blind and they’re making me live in a dustbin”, and “Ma, they’re after making me sign a six book contract against my will.” To hear Fr Ryan speak of Joe Duffy’s appearance it would appear that Mr Duffy hit the right tone of misery “and then some.”

Fr Ryan spends the rest of the day reading “sad but uplifting” excerpts from Joe Duffy’s autobiography. He refuses to read anything beyond Joe Duffy meeting Gay Byrne.

Sunday
Seán Gallagher is now the frontrunner in the presidential election. I can’t help thinking that he is a modern day St Peter. He has already denied knowing Fianna Fáil at least six times this week.

Monday
Fr Dunne has downloaded the new priest app onto his iPhone. Apparently it enables a candidate to assess their suitability for becoming a priest. Fr Dunne laughs. He wonders aloud if it will work in a retrospective manner, and says it will just be “a bit of fun.”

Meanwhile, we have heard the news that the Stone Roses are re-uniting. Fr Lawlor is delighted. Fr O’ Leary is disappointed because he knows this puts paid to any chance of the The Seahorses getting back together again. Meanwhile, Fr Deegan has used his “Second Coming” joke at least six times already today.

Later in the day a strangely subdued Fr Dunne opts out of playing in this week’s table tennis tournament.

Tuesday
Boyslife are breaking up! We are all devastated. They were a lovely wholesome bunch of young gentlemen, and they were a shining example to inarticulate and academically challenged young blond men all over Ireland. Now their fans are faced with the sudden sharp shock of a new album, an autobiography, a two-year-long farewell tour, countless TV appearances, and at least two new greatest hits albums.

Fr Dunne spends the rest of the day looking at his iPhone and crying. The break-up of Boyslife has obviously hit him very hard indeed.

Wednesday
We listen to Bertie Ahern’s interview with those young tykes in DCU. The frightening realisation dawns on us that Bertie is slowly and methodically working his way through a list of people and institutions to blame for Ireland’s economic woes. Surely it cannot be long before he reaches the end of the list and starts blaming the Catholic Church? It would be a first, and it would also see the once avuncular and likeable Bertie thrust straight into the Enda Kenny category of unjustified, knee-jerk finger pointers.

Fr Deegan complains that Fr Dunne was crying in his sleep, and that it kept him awake all night. I make a note of his complaint, and I am disappointed, mainly because it would seem that my idea of everyone having bunk beds is not as practical or as much fun as I thought it would be.

Thursday
They are trying to kill Dana! We don’t know who “they” are yet, but the Lord knows, and they will be judged. Meanwhile, I spend most of the day explaining to a confused Fr Cronin that the newspaper headline “Dana survives after blowout” does not mean that Dana has been indulging in a new and near fatal penchant for all you can eat steakhouses.

Meanwhile, Fr Deegan has offered to bring some much needed balance back into the campaign by kicking David Norris in the shins.

Friday
Fr Dunne has left the priesthood! He tells me the sad news in the kitchen. I feel like Paul Sorvino with Ray Liotta in that scene in Goodfellas. Fr Dunne tries to explain to me how he came to his decision, but I raise my hand to interrupt him and say “Now I gotta turn my back on you.”

Before (ex) Fr Dunne leaves, Fr Ryan sneaks a copy of Joe Duffy’s autobiography into his suitcase, in the hope that it will provide him with some comfort. He also sneaks in the standard “sorry you’re leaving” card, complete with a picture of baby Jesus crying on the front.

As we watch him go, we know that we can only put our trust in the Lord that some day he will return, and that when that day comes maybe even Boyslife will be back together again.

We can only hope.

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About the author:

(Not) Cardinal Sean Brady

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