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9 stages of inadequacy you feel while watching the Winter Olympics

Look at all the people who are so much better than us.

THE WINTER OLYMPICS in Sochi are in full swing, and we’re glued to the telly. It’s just so wonderful, so gracious, so entertaining, like Dancing On Ice without the has-been celebrities.

Sure, we were equally as amazed during London 2012, but there’s just something about the ice and pretty skating that makes us seethe with undignified inadequacy.

This is pretty much how an emotional viewing session goes down.

1. Pride

At first, the spirit of the games and the human will and spirit yadda ya is just so overwhelming. Lookit them!

Sochi Olympics Opening Ceremony AP / Press Association Images AP / Press Association Images / Press Association Images

AMAZING. All so talented. Do us proud.


2. Wonder

You start dabbling in some events and immediately regret that burrito. How do they do it? Oh, to have such talent and motivation. At least your juicing regime is going ok.


Tell yourself she’s not human. It helps, trust us.


3. Comparison

But she IS. Ski jumpers do this, and you can’t even touch your toes


The back of our knees are hurting.

Sochi Olympics Ski Jumping Women Matthias Schrader Matthias Schrader

Can you even begin to imagine how much core work you haven’t done to achieve this this Godly level of skeleton amazingness?

Sochi Olympics Skeleton Women Dita Alangkara Dita Alangkara

We have pains. Actual phantom pains.



4. Curiosity

No seriously, how do they do it? Are they human?

Sochi Olympics Figure Skating Ivan Sekretarev Ivan Sekretarev

Then there’s the questioning of your very judgement when someone you think did amazing only gets an average score. 22-year-old figure skater Ashley Wagner was in a hayp about her 63.10 points, coming in fourth.

We’d just be happy to be asked at all, Ashley.


5. Frantic research

SURELY that twirly Russian skater at least 10 years older than us. We could so learn how to do that in 10 years.

A little google will confirm it…




Scanning her Wikipedia confirms that she’s never fallen on ice ONCE. You fell yesterday when you tripped over your own feet.


6. Bargaining

They probably train really hard and have no lives outside of their chosen sport. Can you actually imagine not being able to lie-in on weekends?

You’re the real winner here.


7. Resentment

But LOOK AT THEM. Would you be able? Cause we’re certainly not.

IMG_0127 A Proper Bostonian A Proper Bostonian

They’re not that great, really.

Sochi Olympics Figure Skating Bernat Armangue Bernat Armangue

Sochi Olympics Figure Skating

Ah lads.

Sochi Olympics Opening Ceremony

Sochi Olympics Figure Skating

Still, they fall sometimes. Human after all. Hate that, Jeremy Abbott.


Sochi Olympics Figure Skating David J. Phillip David J. Phillip

But some of them make super-human amazing recoveries and then we hate the world again.

Damn you Shiva Keshavan.

skater7 NBC Olympics NBC Olympics

8. Motivation

It is the hobby we’ve been looking for all of this time.


We’ll show the world. Training starts when the Olympics are over, or at a more convenient time in the distant future.


9. Acceptance

Yeah, we’re never gonna be on their level. Let’s just enjoy our twelfth consecutive hour watching the curling.


Russian snowboarder puts phone number on helmet, gets avalanche of nude photos>

Well these Winter Olympics competitors have some very unfortunate names>

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