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7 breakup songs Taylor Swift needs to write about Calvin Harris
New album should include stone cold tunes like ‘Bad Showmance’ and ‘No It’s Becky’.

2015 Billboard Music Awards - Show - Las Vegas Associated Press Associated Press


The beautiful whirlwind that was Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris’ romance has ground to a halt, and all that’s left are wonderful Instagram memories and bores across the world joking that she’ll get loads of crazy breakup songs out of it.

If she does get another album of breakup bangers off the back of this split, here are some suggested tracks…

1. ‘Ah Dam’

A nod to the fact that Calvin Harris’ name is actually Adam and what the hell was he doing changing it to ‘Calvin’ anyway? You’re from Dumfries, son.

2. ‘Old Teeth’

We’ve seen the before pictures, Calvin.We remember you before you got buff and “went out” with Rita Ora.

Calvin Harris in concert - London EMPICS Entertainment / PA Photos EMPICS Entertainment / PA Photos / PA Photos

3. ‘Bad Showmance’

Speaking of Rita Ora…

4. ‘No Its Becky’

Rumours are rife that Calvin’s eyes wandered TO ONE OF TAY’S VERY OWN FRIENDS. ‘No Its Becky’ is a shady homage to that treacherous ‘Becky with the good hair’, whoever she may be. It also acknowledges one of the greatest memes of all time.



5. ‘Out of the Picture’

karlie Taylor Swift on Instagram Taylor Swift on Instagram

Remember the time Taylor posted this birthday snap in honour of pal Karlie Kloss, but really it was just a picture of Calvin Harris, and everyone slagged her for it? She’s gotta write a wry banger about that. She’s just gotta.

Suggested lyrics:

Now you’re out of the picture/ it’s time to get out of all my pictures/ I had to use too many filters anyway

6. ‘Horse’s Face’

Inevitable parody of the Calvin Harris tune We Found Love, switching out the “we found love in a hopeless place” lyric for:

I fell in love with a horse’s face.

Childish yet enjoyable.

7. ‘Firecrotch’

In which Taylor finally acknowledges that Ed Sheeran is her one true love and she’s going to stop wearing heels and marry him.

Capital FM Summertime Ball - London Matt Crossick Matt Crossick

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