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The G8 loves it when you smile: The week's news skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: We’ll swap you Ulster Bank for the M50, scaring off the sun.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Irish creche workers living it up on the Costa del Crime

Monday, 3 June

Irish creche workers have been living it up on the Costa del Crime without a thought for the ruined lives they left behind.

The people who ran and worked in the “creche camps” have been leaving the country in droves since their crimes were revealed on RTÉ Prime Time.

“A lot of them have gone to Spain to network with other criminals,” a source said. “They’re biding their time there while trying to arrange new identities. Most of them will end up in South America, living under assumed names.”

Met office fears sun could recoil in horror

Tuesday, 4 June

Meterorologists have asked  the public not to scare off the sun on what is expected to be the hottest day of the year.

“The sun isn’t used to the socks and sandals combination,” a Met Éireann spokesman said, “or acres of pale skin.”

“So please show some restraint,” he added.

“We don’t want the sun to recoil in horror.”

Move to swap M50 for Ulster Bank gathers momentum

Wednesday, 5 June

The Irish people have urged their politicians to accept a proposal from the UK Treasury to take over Ulster Bank.

The Treasury had suggested Ireland might like to swap some prime London properties that are in Nama for the bank.

However, a counter-proposal from exhausted and impoverished motorists in Dublin is gathering momentum.

“Take the bank. Give them the M50. I’m not paying five tolls. Do something right for once,” a motorist said.

Fake shops backfire as people queue for food

Thursday, 6 June

The placing of fake shop fronts on derelict buildings in Northern Ireland may have backfired after people started queueing outside them for food.

The fake shops were intended to hide the realities of economic hardship ahead of the G8 Summit in Fermanagh.

However, they have highlighted hardship instead as people have been queueing outside the shops in the hope that fake food might be more affordable – and nutritious – than real food.

“Those fake chops look delicious,” a man queuing for a fake butcher said. “Stop queueing. You’re spoiling everything,” a G8 Summit marketing apparatchik said.

“Look, I have vouchers for cappucinos, for teeth-whitening. Have them. Smile. Please smile. The G8 love it when you smile.”

Taoiseach slates Seanad for Cian Healy injury

Friday, 7 June

Taoiseach Enda Kenny has slated the Seanad for the ankle injury that has forced Cian Healy out of the Lions tour of Australia.

Mr Kenny said the Seanad’s failure to protect Healy was a clear sign that it was not fit for purpose and should be abolished.

“No one in the Seanad shouted stop during that match against Western Force,” Mr Kenny said. “No one.”

“They are entirely to blame for this injury and for many other sporting injuries over the years,” he added.

“When I think of poor Henry Shefflin…”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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