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Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Gardaí lack resources to monitor Love/Hate characters; HSE inquiry to proceed without actually inquiring; and student grants delayed until after emigration.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Blow up gardaí could be misused for ‘nefarious purposes’

Monday, 19 November

A plan to position inflatable gardaí in towns and villages around the country has been criticised as a quick fix solution that will have no long term benefits.

The Blow Up Garda plan was intended to tackle the shortage of actual gardaí in rural areas.

“They would create a deterrent just by giving the impression that there was a garda presence,” a Department of Justice spokesman said.

“They would in me hole,” a Fianna Fáil spokesman said. “They’d get punctured, blow away, or, worse still, get taken home by drunks for nefarious nocturnal purposes. That should never be allowed to happen to a garda in Ireland. Even if it’s only a blow up garda.”

Third level grants may be delayed until after emigration

Tuesday, 20 November

Many third level students may not receive their college grants until after they have emigrated, according to Minister for Education Ruairí Quinn.

Mr Quinn said the controversial Student Universal Support Ireland (Susi) system worked in mysterious ways that no one in the Department of Education quite understood.

“We think it means well but we’re not really sure,” he said.

“Drop us a line once you’ve settled in in your new country and we’ll see what we can do,” he added.

HSE inquiry to proceed without inquiring

Wednesday, 21 November

The HSE inquiry into the death of Savita Halappanavar will now proceed without inquiring into the death of Savita Halappanavar.The Department of Health revealed it was following normal protocols for any official investigation in Ireland.

“This is best practice in these tragic circumstances,” a spokesman said. “It helps everyone involved to remain detached from the subject of the inquiry.”

Gardaí lack resources to monitor Love/Hate characters

Thursday, 22 November

Garda Commissioner Martin Callinan controversially told the Oireachtas Committee on Justice yesterday that he has no plans to arrest Love/Hate characters.

“They’re fictional. They don’t exist. They’re not real,” he explained slowly.

Pressurised by TDs to at least keep the characters under 24 hour surveillance Mr Callinan reflected for a moment before replying.

“We don’t have the resources to follow Nidge and the boys,” he sighed. “If you give us the resources we’ll do it. If you want us to catch them we’ll catch them.”

A Very Irish Coup by the Taliban in Slacks

Friday, 23 November

Ireland almost fell victim to a cunning coup d’état yesterday after men in slacks took over the country’s landlines.

The coup became apparent after citizens began to receive automated* anti-abortion phone calls.

The coup was apparently carried out by the Irish Taliban who believe in Human Dignity which appears to be curiously incompatible with humanity and dignity.

Members of the Irish Taliban frequently gather in slacks to talk angrily about ovaries. They are much admired by Irish radio and television stations and newspaper editors.

History will record that their coup failed because they only took over the landlines.

“Gobshites,” a telecoms/coup expert said.

*It later transpired that the calls were not automated. They actually talk like that. Later still it transpired that Pat Kenny is not automated. Bizarrely, nor is Craig Doyle. I could go on…

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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