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The Mire's review of the year's news... skewed

Government response to Anonymous cheers everyone up; Heathrow goes green; Irish people want to escape to prisons; Love/Hate Christmas special: This was 2012 according to The Mire

Image: INPHO/James Crombie

THEJOURNAL.IE readers will be familiar with satirical site The Mire‘s alternative angle on current affairs. As a end-of-year treat, we present you 2012 through the very special lens of The Mire…

Hilarity greets government response to Anonymous attacks

Wednesday, 25 January

The Government’s response to DDOS attacks on government websites could prompt a surge in the Irish happiness index.

The Department of Justice claimed there would be a “whole of Government” response to the threat posed by Anonymous.

The statement prompted widespread hilarity and good humour across the country.

“Jaysus, Anonymous must be shitting themselves,” a woman in her pyjamas at a bus stop said.

EU-IMF asked to stop calling Greek rescue plan a rescue plan

Tuesday, 14 February

The EU and the IMF have been asked to stop calling their Greek rescue plan a rescue plan.

“It is causing confusion among people who need to be rescued,” a fireman said.

“We tried to rescue a woman from a burning building yesterday but she thought we were going to steal all her possessions and enslave her,” he explained. “She stayed in the building.”

“It would be helpful if the EU and IMF called their rescue plan a Greek mugging, pillaging, abusing and humiliating plan instead,” he added.

Heathrow to turn green for emigrants on March 17

Tuesday, 13 March

Major international airports such as London Heathrow are to turn green on St Patrick’s Day as part of a Government initiative to encourage emigration.

Airports in the United States and Australia will also turn green for Ireland’s national day.

“This is an invaluable boost to the Government’s emigration policy,” a spokesman said.

Increasing numbers of people escaping into prisons

Monday, 2 April

The Prison Service has said it is powerless to stop ordinary citizens escaping into open prisons.

Hoping for a better quality of life, increasing numbers of people have abandoned their homes and escaped into open prisons.

“We’re not equipped to stop people breaking into prison,” a Prison Service spokesman said. “Sure we can’t even stop them breaking out.”

“I’m having to share my cell with a family of five who’ve never committed a crime in their lives,” a prisoner in Loughan House complained. “They’re lowering the tone of the place.”

Amnesty calls on Amnesty to save Suu Kyi from Bono

Thursday, 31 May

Human rights organisations like Amnesty International have called on Amnesty International not to expose Aung San Suu Kyi to Bono when she visits Ireland next month.

“She has suffered enough,” an activist said.

“He could sing at her or, worse still, recite a poem. No one should have to endure that.”

“Not being exposed to Bono is all that kept her going during her years of confinement,” he added.

After the soccer, Angela Merkel phones Enda Kenny

Friday, 15 June

It is 3am when the phone on Taoiseach Enda Kenny’s bedside locker rings.

Enda Kenny: Hello.

Angela Merkel: Enda, it’s Angela. Sing me that song.

Enda Kenny: What song Angela?

Angela Merkel: Don’t call me Angela. That soccer song you Irish sing. The funny one.

Enda Kenny: Sorry Chancellor. Do you mean Get your tits out for the lads?

Angela Merkel (laughs, adjusts bra): No Enda. Save that for the Croatians. I have suckled you Irish enough.

Enda Kenny: You’ll Never Beat The Irish?

Angela Merkel: That’s it. Hilarious. Sing you clown.

Enda Kenny sobs.

Angela Merkel laughs, adjusts bra.

Dr James Reilly stakes claim to Finance Minister post

Wednesday, 11 July

Speculation is rife this morning that Health Minister Dr James Reilly will be promoted to Finance Minister.

Dr Reilly will address the Dáil later today after it emerged his name would be appearing in Stubbs Gazette over a €1.9 million unpaid debt.

“He’s been hiding his light under a bushel,” a political commentator said. “Obviously a debt defaulter would make an excellent Finance Minister.”

If Dr Reilly accepts the position, current Finance Minister Michael Noonan will be allowed to continue to believe he has the job. “We’ll let him blather on as usual,” a source said. “What harm?”

It is unlikely that the Government will bother to appoint a new Health Minister.

Protestants aghast as badminton matches “thrown”

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Protestants everywhere were aghast this morning after eight players were accused of attempting to throw badminton matches at the London Olympics.

“I can’t imagine that happening when it was a Protestant game, can you?” a wistful Bill O’Herlihy of RTÉ said.

“It’s unthinkable, worse than leaving the crust on cucumber sandwiches,” an expert on Protestants said.

This is the sort of thing the courts should be tackling,” a supporter of Seán Quinn said. “Not that we watch badminton. No way.”

Man found alive in Dublin apartment

Thursday, 20 September

Gardaí have appealed for witnesses after a man was found alive in an apartment in Dublin.

“He was eating toast, sipping tea, listening to the radio, as though he didn’t have a care in the world,” a garda spokesman said.

“We don’t know what to make of it.”

The spokesman appealed for witnesses to come forward if they have any information.

Roscommon man jumps from space in attempt to find work

Monday, 15 October

Irish employers and recruiters have praised a young Roscommon man who jumped from the edge of space yesterday carrying a sign that read “available for work”.

“This is the sort of thing you have to do in today’s job market,” a recruitment consultant said.

“The time for posting two-page curriculum vitaes has passed,” he said.

“Get out to the edge of space and jump but make sure the sign you carry lists your qualifications and areas you would like to work in. And, of course, it should be legible from a distance.”

Felix Baumgartner, from Ballinameen, Co Roscommon, decided to jump off space after 18 months of failing to find work in traditional ways. He travelled to space in a modified wheelbarrow inherited from his father.

He is now hopeful of finding work in marketing.

“It’s a great day for the Baumgartners,” Felix’s mother, Mrs Baumgartner, said. “He had been very low when he didn’t get the job in the creamery.”

HSE inquiry to proceed without inquiring

Wednesday, 21 November

The HSE inquiry into the death of Savita Halappanavar will now proceed without inquiring into the death of Savita Halappanavar.

The Department of Health revealed it was following normal protocols for any official investigation in Ireland.

“This is best practice in these tragic circumstances,” a spokesman said. “It helps everyone involved to remain detached from the subject of the inquiry.”

Health Minister Dr James Reilly was satisfied this was the right approach.

“Grand,” he said. “Glad that’s sorted.”

Love/Hate Christmas Special revealed

Friday, 7 December

RTÉ sources have disclosed details of an explosive Love/Hate Christmas Special.

The Mire can reveal that Tommy makes a remarkable recovery and brings toddler son Leighton to see Santa at the brothel.

Nidge kills Tommy after Tommy gets the toy he wanted in their Christmas Cracker.

Leighton cries. Darren looks anguished, gets drunk. Nidge apologises. Fran rides dead Tommy.

Across town, the IRA does the Walls of Limerick.

On Christmas Day, everyone is shocked when Fran stuffs the turkey.

Read previous weeks’ editions of TheMire’s Not the News >

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