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Dublin: 20 °C Thursday 28 May, 2020
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12 things you'll know if you absolutely DETEST cheese

You’re like a unicorn!

1. It is f**king EVERYWHERE

On almost every burger, sneaking into your sandwiches, sprinkled over just about every dish you can think of…

2. And people are so f**king judgmental about it

“No thanks, I don’t like cheese.”

giphy Source: Giphy

3. Every time you tell someone you have to go through the whole rigmarole all over again

giphy Source: Giphy

“No, I don’t like cheese. Yes, even on pizza. I didn’t murder your kitten, stop looking at me like that.”

4. You have had to ask for a “cheeseburger, hold the cheese”

You’ll never live it down.

5. And ordered sad cheeseless pizzas

I JUST WANT TO FIT IN.

6. You feel personally victimised by crisps

Tayto. Quavers. Doritos. Every time you dip your hand into a bowl of crisps, you are at risk.

7. And bloody cheesecakes

Leave cakes out of this, you milky menace.

8. And the sight of curry cheese chips makes you feel quite ill

Irish people are sick-minded animals.

9. It’s even worse if you only like cheese on certain things

Like, it’s fine on pizza, but on no account will you even consider it on anything else. This invites much scrutiny from disbelieving friends. Too much scrutiny.

10. You know never go to book clubs and casual gatherings hungry

Ooh, a snacks table. What is there to eat… How about massive plates of different-coloured cheeses?

11. And you might as well avoid Italy as a whole

You get your stinky foot-smelling Parmesan away from me.

12. But you’ll never back down, NEVER

Not while stuff like ‘nacho cheese’ exists in the world.

Cheese is the devil. Someday the rest of the world will see the light.

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