1. It is f**king EVERYWHERE
On almost every burger, sneaking into your sandwiches, sprinkled over just about every dish you can think of…
2. And people are so f**king judgmental about it
“No thanks, I don’t like cheese.”
3. Every time you tell someone you have to go through the whole rigmarole all over again
“No, I don’t like cheese. Yes, even on pizza. I didn’t murder your kitten, stop looking at me like that.”
4. You have had to ask for a “cheeseburger, hold the cheese”
You’ll never live it down.
5. And ordered sad cheeseless pizzas
I JUST WANT TO FIT IN.
6. You feel personally victimised by crisps
Tayto. Quavers. Doritos. Every time you dip your hand into a bowl of crisps, you are at risk.
7. And bloody cheesecakes
Leave cakes out of this, you milky menace.
8. And the sight of curry cheese chips makes you feel quite ill
Irish people are sick-minded animals.
9. It’s even worse if you only like cheese on certain things
Like, it’s fine on pizza, but on no account will you even consider it on anything else. This invites much scrutiny from disbelieving friends. Too much scrutiny.
10. You know never go to book clubs and casual gatherings hungry
Ooh, a snacks table. What is there to eat… How about massive plates of different-coloured cheeses?
11. And you might as well avoid Italy as a whole
You get your stinky foot-smelling Parmesan away from me.
12. But you’ll never back down, NEVER
Not while stuff like ‘nacho cheese’ exists in the world.
Cheese is the devil. Someday the rest of the world will see the light.
