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11 facts about penises everyone should know
A lesson in langers.

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ARE WE ALL ready for a lesson? This article is NSFW for rude vegetable pictures.

First up: How large should it be?

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Ah, the big (sorry) question. The most recent major international study found that the average male penis is 5.16 inches long when standing to attention, and 3.6 inches when flaccid. (A strong contender for the world’s most horrible word, by the way.)

Other research results actually vary. But across scientific studies, it seems clear that the vast majority of men – up to 90 per cent – have willies between four and 6.5 inches long.

(Incidentally, the average penis is 4.6″ in circumference – almost as far around as it is long. Good work guys.)

Why are some bendy?

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All willies point a different way. It’s just one of those things. “It’s common for the penis to curve slightly to the left or right when it’s erect”, say the NHS.

Also, some point upwards when hard. Some point down. Some point straight out in front. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(If it’s VERY bendy, though, that might be a medical condition.)

What’s it like having a pierced one?

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Well, you can’t pee standing up. “It sprays out a bit,” writes one poster here. “It will be sit down or wet pants,” contributes another, apparently unregretfully.

Otherwise, it depends. For a Prince Albert – the most common piercing, in which a bar or ring goes from the opening of the urethra to the base of the glans - some men report being delighted with it. Even this guy on Boards who says he woke up in a pool of blood.

Anecdotally at least, several women report that it has little impact on sex. But it can result in chipped teeth. Work it out for yourself.

Is there really a difference between showers and growers?

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Yes! Men whose junk is smaller when not excited are likely to grow more, proportionally speaking, than men who sport an impressive trouser bulge. That’s according to the Kinsey Institute - who basically say that while non-erect willies vary a lot in size, they tend to end up around the same length when excited.

You can officially now label yourself a shower or a grower.

What actually matters to ladies?

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WHAT YOU DO WITH IT, YA DOPE. But apart from that… all the data pretty much shows that men care about penis length *way* more than women. In one survey, more than two thirds of women thought men “overemphasised” the importance of a large ding-a-ling.

That said… in one small – but widely quoted – study of 50 female students, an overwhelming majority said that girth was more important than length for their sexual satisfaction.

Do men get erections without warning? In work, like? Or on the bus? Is it embarrassing?

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They can do. Most men experience ‘spontaneous erections’ - when you’re not even thinking about anything smutty – as teenagers. These get much less frequent as you get older, but can still occur.

And yes, they are embarrassing.

Is it true that men in some countries have bigger willies?

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Unconfirmed. There are lots of materials online claiming to assess penis size in different countries. Like this one, which puts Ireland at 5″ exactly – slightly below average and, even worse, significantly below men in the UK who are apparently wandering around with 5.6″ whoppers.

BUT things like this rely on data from all kinds of different sources, some of which is self-reported and thus (for obvious reasons) unreliable. The most recent major study, of 15,000 fellas willing to get their lads out for a ruler, “found no evidence for penis size differences linked to race”.

What’s the most sensitive bit?

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One very specific part: the frenulum (sounds erotic I know), which is the little bit of tissue at the back of the head, connecting it to the foreskin.

It’s so sensitive that doctors have used it to cause ejaculation in quadriplegics.

The frenulum is often removed in circumcision. But don’t panic. The ‘corona’, meaning the ridge around the edge of the head, is also a bit of a hotspot.

Why is it so difficult to aim at the toilet? Is it really that hard to get it in the bowl?

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A fair question. This guy on Quora answers it better than we ever could:

  • When the stream first comes out you can’t always get it pointed exactly till the urine stream is started. So, an early miss is possible.
  • Some times two streams come out and one can’t get both in the toilet.
  • At times there is a fluctuation of bladder pressure and the stream veers downward faster than one can re-aim.
  • At the end of the pissing, the stream gets weak and is harder to control, this can lead to a dribble or two.
  • Splashing, there is nearly no way to prevent splashing. One tries to hit the bowl on the side to prevent it, but the previous points prevent this from always happening.

Do gay men really have bigger ones?

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Uh, maybe. One study of homosexual and heterosexual men suggested that gay males have about a third of an inch advantage over their straight counterparts, on average.

Now this data was self-reported, so it might be dodgy. But the study’s authors were puzzled. “The size discrepancy might have to do with ‘reporting bias’ if gay men are more likely to exaggerate the size of their penis,” a researcher wrote. “But we don’t think that’s the explanation. There’s evidence that heterosexuals are as likely to exaggerate as homosexuals.”

What happens if you… lose it?

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Good news – you can now use somebody else’s. Doctors in South Africa performed the world’s first successful penis transplant last month, on a 21-year-old who lost his first one in a botched circumcision.

One of the doctors performing the surgery told the BBC: “If you don’t have a penis you are essentially dead.”

So now.

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More: 8 things women need men to know about their period>

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