WE’VE LOOKED AT the things you can tell about an Irish guy just by looking at his shoes. It’s only fair that we eventually turn our attention to the ladies.
Please note, all of this judgement is highly factual* and accurate and any attempt to bring these definitive conclusions into debate will be frowned upon.
1. Ballet flats
She’s oh-so-sensible and a bit of a princess. Mostly likely works in finance in the big smoke but goes home to mammy every weekend. Makes a SAVAGE cup of tea and wears fluffy socks the minute she gets indoors.
2. Curved ballet shoes
An absolute sesh monster. Usually spotted stumbling home at 4am, not giving one single f**k about how she looks. Basically, life goals.
3. Heels to rival the Spire
This girl is a badass. Pain is not an option, so don’t even mess with her. She takes at least 20 years to get ready and being pale is not an option. Her nails are never chipped and she can definitely sing like Adele and Leona Lewis’ lovechild, but don’t even mention it.
4. Medium heels
She likes to party, but she’s also clumsy as hell. They’ll always be the first on the dancefloor in a club and won’t leave until you literally reef her off. Watches a lot of reality TV and ‘does coffee’ at least twice weekly.
5. Kitten heels
She has deeply questionable taste but doesn’t care what anyone thinks. She probably smells like candy floss and used to do Irish dancing as a kid. Can’t ever grow out of loving boybands.
6. Dirty Plimsolls
A total hipster who smokes like a chimney and only goes out with guys in bands who hang out in Shaw. She probably scruffed them up herself because it’s the only way her mam will disapprove, despite continuing to fund her post-college layabout lifestyle.
7. Chelsea boots
Erring on the side of posh, even though she bought them from Penneys. The good ones from Aldo only come out on special occasions. Has a boyfriend named John, a head full of thick hair,and can always seem to find the perfect-fitting jeans. To sum up, she’s a wizard.
8. Super glowing-white Converse
She’s clean. Like, really clean. That’s not to say women who don’t wear converse aren’t clean, it’s just that women who wear converse are always a special kind of clean. Y’know? She also probably wears an ankle bracelet and drinks her tea while holding the mug with two hands.
9. Runners
She’s on her way to the gym and she’s wholeheartedly a better person than you. She has a Nutribullet that she actually uses and shops in Kildare Village. Thinks a glass of wine at the weekend is being bold, but has one most weeknights to relax.
10. Good runners
Think customised Reeboks or a particularly flashy pair of Nikes. She’s trendy, has a high-paced job-life situation, and would definitely talk for Ireland. Has absolutely no intention of doing athletics.
11. Jelly sandals
Is still bitter about that time her mam wouldn’t buy her jelly sandals when she was a little girl and them being back in fashion is the ultimate revenge. Wears a lot of skinny jeans and leggings, and she definitely has an inhuman amount of pillows on her bed.
12. Sandals
Beware of these women. They have the ability to actually have nice feet, all the while maintaining the body temperature of an average human being, even despite the fact that she’s a woman from Ireland. She’s always covered in jingling accessories and once got a henna tattoo she tried to convince you was real.
13. Boots with a heel
Works in PR, her makeup is always immaculate, and has probably once read Vogue cover-to-cover. Has an active Twitter feed in which she constantly replies to celebrities and posts Insta photos of her cocktails.
14. Brogues
She’s so twee and probably shops in those vintage shops in between her Philosophy lectures in Trinity. Her wardrobe is full of tea dresses and she carries her stuff to the IMMA cafe in a cute little tote bag.
* Not.
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