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Dublin: 5 °C Sunday 8 December, 2019

10 terribly grim headlines from the Christmas issues of women's mags

Christmas never goes off peacefully in the land of Take A Break.

WOMEN’S WEEKLY magazines like Take A Break, Pick Me Up etc are amazing all year round, but there’s something special about the extra-grim stories they pull out around Christmas time.

Here are a selection of our favourites from the current crop of ‘festive’ issues.


DQ_qh3tW4AAqK6U Source: Twitter/@NotRollergirl

You just started singing You Give Love A Bad Name, didn’t you? They had to know what they were doing here.


oh baubles! Source: Take A Break

I like to imagine that’s exactly what happened. She was carving the turkey, said “Oh baubles!” and the baby just fell out on to the linoleum.


take that santa Source: That's Life!

Er… Sir, madam, I regret to inform you that your child is a little Debbie Jellinsky in the making.


dead mother Source: Love It!

Like, it’s rude to show up unannounced on Christmas Day but it’s also rude to abandon your parental responsibilities by faking your death for decades. So.


kelly Source: Take A Break

Imagine being Kelly and getting called out on the cover of bloody Take A Break. You’d have to move to Iceland.


mistletoe and swine Source: That's Life!

Shut down the whole tabloid press because you will never get a better headline than ‘Mistletoe and swine’. NEVER.


o christmas Source: Real People

…Though ‘O Christmas Treesome’ is up there.


festive Source: Closer

Genuinely interested in how a ‘festive dominatrix’ is different to your everyday, run-of-the-mill dominatrix. I may buy Closer this week.


kidney Source: Love It!

The only logical explanation for this headline (and also the most likely one) is that he conned her out of it in some way. Never trust a women’s weekly headline, as I found out with…


turkey butty Source: Real People

I HAD to this story and sadly when I did, I discovered that the house being broken had nothing to do with a turkey butty and everything to do with bad plastering. I am very disappointed.

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