WHETHER YOU RELIGIOUSLY buy women’s magazines or only idly peruse them while at the hairdresser, chances are they have made you shake your head at least once.
And who could blame you?
Especially when they feature stuff like this…
1. Euphemistic terms that you would never dream of using in real life
Who in their right mind has ever referred to their hair as “tresses”?
Or their vagina as the “V-zone”?
Or the dreaded “front bum”.
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*shivers*
2. An interview with a cover star who loves to eat
She might be improbably slim and look like she subsists on chia and avocados, but women’s magazines will have you believe that famous actresses are gluttonous pigs.
At least during interviews.
I’m sitting across from [insert female cover star here] in a hip London eatery, watching as she daintily tucks into a quiche Lorraine. “Oh my God,” she exclaims. “I’m obsessed with quiche.” I ask how she maintains her svelte figure if she’s so obsessed with quiche, but I can’t quite make out her reply as she’s stuffing her face with a burrito.
Get into the sea.
3. Absolutely useless/impractical beauty secrets like this
The front cover teases you by saying that they’ll reveal how [insert actress name here] gets her hair so lovely and luscious.
Then when you flick to page 39, you realise that they in fact don’t wash their hair with shampoo. And while you appreciate the science behind such an endeavor, you can’t help but feel cheated.
4. Endless lists on ways to tackle your “problem areas”
“Problem area” is magazine parlance for pretty much any part of your body — your arse, your thighs, your abs, your chicken wings – that could be deemed problematic or in need of a fix.
5. Followed by long articles about how you should accept yourself and your body
Wait, what happened to my “problem areas”? This is all very confusing.
6. Examples of implausibly quick workouts you know you’re never going to do
Naturally the headline piques your interest until you realise that they are suggesting you use your desk as a barre or purchase dumbbells/resistance bands.
Whatever happened to jumping jacks?
7. Desperately unhelpful tips for wooing “your man”
8. And comically awful sex tips that have to be made up by some bored journalist
Like eating caviar and lobster.
Or sticking a doughnut on his willy.
9. And God forbid if you’re single!
Women’s magazines have more questions about why you’re single than a nosy aunt at a wedding.
10. Unnecessary articles about “fashion trends men hate”
Do men’s magazines contain articles about whether or not women like bootcut jeans? No? Well, neither should women’s magazines.
Newsflash: we truly don’t care about whether men like jumpsuits or not.
11. And the dreaded “festival fashion” features that seem to dominate magazines between March and September
For women’s magazines, festival fashion doesn’t mean a decent rain coat, jeans and wellies – it means Aztec tops, flower crowns and an assortment of completely impractical clothing.
All of which are totally irrelevant to our lives.
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Come on, lads.
