YESTERDAY, EL JAMES released the fifth book in the Fifty Shades series: Darker, which is Fifty Shades Darker as told from Christian Grey’s point of view.
We had a little read of it, and here are the worst/best bits. Now we’re off to bleach our brains.
1. “My cock approves, big-time.”
Christian’s penis is sentient. Remember this, as it’s mentioned again and again.
2. “‘Ah’, she breathes, and the sound is music to my dick.”
See? It can HEAR things.
3. “I push my impatient cock into her hands.”
It can also lose its patience.
4. “I think it might be the Coldplay, because it’s the most apt.”
This is Ana talking about a playlist Christian made her. It explains so much. (Also, Dakota Johnson is rumoured to be going out with Chris Martin, so maybe EL James was dropping a hint.)
5. “Ana has a greedy look and I don’t know if it’s for me or the ice cream. I hope it’s for a combination of both.”
Before you ask: Yes, they do sex stuff with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. It’s awful.
6. “Put the chicken in the fridge.”
This is from a passage in which Christian gets the horn while cooking a stir fry. Far from leaving everything where it is (or, horror of horrors, finishing the dinner) Christian orders Ana to put the chicken in the fridge so they can get to it. Nothing is less sexy than E Coli, in fairness.
7. “She places a chopping board and some red peppers in front of me. What the hell am I supposed to do with these? They are such a weird shape.”
From the same passage. Christian has never chopped a vegetable.
8. “I wrap my cock in latex.”
Grey-speak for putting on a condom. He makes it sound like such a process, as if he’s shrink-wrapping it so he can put it into storage.
9. “I don’t want f**king tea. I want to bury myself in you.”
OK, rude. Take the tea and be polite, you cretin.
10. “Do you want a regular vanilla relationship, with no kinky f**kery at all?”
We’d just like to express our alarm that the phrase ‘kinky f**kery’ made it into Darker, Fifty Shades Darker, and the film version of the latter. And it’s always said with a straight face. Maybe Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson CAN act after all.
11. “My natural inclination is to beat it out of you, but I seriously doubt you want that.”
This is Christian attempting to cheer Ana up after she thought she was pregnant. He’s a bastion of tact and compassion.
12. “She undoes my waistband and fly and tugs my jeans down. Ah! My cock has some room.”
So his penis can also feel stifled. At this stage, it seems like it’s more in touch with its feelings than Christian is himself.
13. “I nudge her with my erection.”
This line just about sums up the whole series, in that it’s supposed to be sexy, but really it just sounds very silly.
Thank you, Christian Grey and of course EL James, for always entertaining us.
DailyEdge is on Instagram!