SEASON FIVE OF Game of Thrones is almost upon us.
If you’re determined to catch up with the past four seasons you can watch them all in a darkened room on Sky Box Sets or you could go with ye olde school DVD player.
All you need is 40 spare hours.
However, if you just need a brief catch up or crash course, we’re here to help.
Behold, all 40 hours in just 40 sentences…
Season one
1 – Winter Is Coming
King Robert Barathrongoes North to ask Ned Stark for a hand (literally), across the sea exiled Princess Daenerys Targaryen marries big lad Khal Drogo, the Stark kids get direwolves, and Bran sees something and takes a spill.
2 - The Kingsroad
Daenerys and Khal Drogo perfect the art of having a ride and she considers her dragon eggs, Tyrion slaps Joffery (and we all cheer) for refusing to pay his respects to the Starks, Jon heads to the Wall and the Stark and Baratheon children have a barney.
3 - Lord Snow
Ned, Arya and Sansa arrive at King’s Landing followed by Catelyn and they get an inkling that the Lannisters were to blame for Bran’s fall, meanwhile Daenerys learns she has a bun in the oven.
4 – Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things
Sam and Jon Snow become friends on the Wall, Hodor and Bran become friends in Winterfell, Ned Stark investigates Jon Arryn’s death, Viserys learns his sister is not as weak as he thought, and Catelyn takes Tyrion hostage.
5 – The Wolf and the Lion
The whole of King’s Landing hears about Catelyn collaring Tyrion, Ned Stark angers the King by refusing to agree that Daenerys should be killed, Catelyn visits her sister (and Jon Arryn’s widow) Lysa at the Eyrie and Tyrion is thrown in a sky cell.
6 – A Golden Crown
In the Vale Tyrion plots a risky plan to escape from the Eyrie but walks free, in King’s Landing Ned Stark makes a shocking discovery about the Jamie and Cersei Lannister *wink wink*, across the Narrow Sea Daenerys kills her pain of a brother.
7 – You Win Or You Die
Ned tells Cersei that he knows her and Jamie’s secret and the Lannisters prepare to battle the Starks, King Robert is mauled by a boar and despite Ned’s best efforts Joffrey takes the throne.
8 – The Pointy End
Robb Stark heads south from Winterfell to battle the Lannister army, Ned and Sansa are stuck at King’s Landing being forced to accept Joffrey as the rightful king but Arya escapes, meanwhile there’s something weird going on at the wall (rhymes with Smite Smalkers)
9 – Baelor
Robb battles against the Lannisters and captures Jaime, Walder Frey agrees to let the Starks use a strategic river crossing but only if Robb and Arya agree to marry his kids (*hums the Rains of Castamere*) , Khal Drogo is on the way out, Ned is forced to make a fateful decision.
10 – Fire and Blood
Ned Stark is dead, Robb Stark is declared the King in the North, Tyrion is send back to King’s Landing to keep Joffrey under control, Arya escapes, and the Khaleesi hatches her dragons.
Season two
1 – The North Remembers
Joffrey makes life hell for Sansa (and everyone, to be honest), Stannis Baratheon and a scary witch lady begin their quest for the Iron Throne, Arya and Gendry (who has escaped the purge of King Robert’s bastards) have fled the city and are heading north.
2 – The Night Lands
There are warnings about the undead from the Wall, Stannis seeks out new allies for his war with Tywin and co, Robb Stark tries to nab Balon Greyjoy as an ally, and in the North babies are being sacrificed to the White Walkers.
3 – What is Dead May Never Die
Bran’s visions are getting creepier, Catelyn tries to get Renly Baratheon on side while his wife Margaery tries to get pregnant, Tyrion tries and succeeds in flushing out a spy at King’s Landing.
4 – Garden of Bones
Robb falls for a nurse, Tyrion arranges to spy on Cersei while trying to control Joffrey, Tywin finds an unlikely employee in Arya, Daenerys goes to Qarth, Littlefinger goes to meet Catelyn in the Stormlands and offers to trade Sansa and Arya for Jaime, Renly and Stannis face off.
5 – The Ghost of Harrenhal
Renly is whacked by Melisandre’s creepy baby, Brienne is mistaken for the murderer and runs away with Catelyn, beyond the Wall the Wildlings are growing in strength, and Srya receives a promise from a mysterious prisoner, while Tywin still has no idea who she is.
6 – The Old Gods and the New
Theon Greyjoy takes Winterfell but Bran and co manage to escape, Catelyn reminds Robb that he’s promised to a Frey girl, Jon Snow takes a Wildling girl prisoner, Arya escapes exposure at Harrenhal and at Qarth, the dragons are stolen.
7 - A Man Without Honour
At King’s Landing Sansa tries to hide that she is now ‘a woman’, beyond the Wall Jon is captured by Wildlings, at Harrenhal Tywin twigs that Arya is highborn but still can’t place her, in the Westerlands Catelyn lets Jaime go and in Winterfell Theon appears to have killed Bran and Rickon.
8 – The Prince of Winterfell
Arya calls in her last favour and asks to have Tywin killed, Daenerys is still trying to get her dragons back in Qarth, Stannis is heading for King’s Landing and they’re trying to prepare for his attack.
9 – Blackwater
Stannis launches his attack on King’s Landing and his forces are met with the ‘Wildfire’ ship, but they press on into the city, Sansa and The Hound flee, Tyrion uses tunnels against the Baratheon men but almost succumbs before Tyein and co sweep in to claim victory.
10 – Valar Morghulis
Joffrey’s attentions turn to Margaery Tyrell, Brienne is still escorting Jaime home to King’s Landing, Tyrion is no longer Hand of the King, Robb marries Talisa the nurse in private, Arya flees Harrenhal, Theon is captured at Winterfell, Daenerys finally liberates her dragons and the White Walkers advance.
Season three
1 – Valar Dohaeris
Jon Snow meets the Wildling king Mance Rayder, the miserable get Tywin has harsh words for his son Tyrion, Lord Baelish and his ever-changing accent offers Sansa a way out of King’s Landing, Stannis is still under the spell of Melisandre, and Daenerys considers buying a load of Unsullied.
2 – Dark Wings, Dark Words
Shae doesn’t trust Littlefinger (who does?) and asks for Tyrion’s help in protecting Sansa, Bran and co are still heading for the Wall, and Bran is still having visions, Arya runs into outlaws and her identify is revealed, Jaime and Brienne are captured.
3 – Walk of Punishment
Tyrion is made royal treasurer as Twyin decides to send Baleish to marry Lysa Arryn, Daenerys offers one of her dragons in exchange for the Unsullied, the Wildlings (and Jon) see more evidence of White Walkers, and while Brienne and Jaime are being taken to Harrenhal Jaime loses his right hand.
4 – And Now His Watch is Ended
Margaery and Sansa have the chats, Arya is brought before the Brotherhood Without Banners, Brienne tries to keep Jaime’s spirits up. Daenerys trades one of her dragons for the Unsullied, but then uses her new army to turn on the slavers and hold onto an army of free warriors.
5 – Kissed By Fire
Stannis’ wife Selyse doesn’t care that her hubbie has been fooling around with Melisandre, in fact she encourages it, Jon Snow and Ygritte get down to some loving in a cave, Robb loses half his forces and has to try to cosy up with House Frey (DUN DUN DUUUUUN), Brienne and Jaime’s bond strengthens, and Tyrion is promised to Sansa.
6 – The Climb
Not, not the Miley Cyrus song, rather an episode in which Robb agrees to a compromise with House Frey, Tywin plans strategic alliances for the Lannisters, Baelish leaves King’s Landing without Sansa, and Jon and Ygritte survive an avalanche at the Wall.
7 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair
Gendry finds out from Melisandre that Robert Baratheon was his da, Theon Greyjoy is castrated by Ramsay Snow, Bran and co keep heading for the wall, Arya escapes the Brotherhood but runs into The Hound, Daenerys orders more slaves to be freed, Jaime helps Brienne escape a bear attack and the pair head for King’s Landing.
8 – Second Sons
Tyrion and Sansa are married (but they don’t do the deed), Melisandre steals Gendry’s ‘kingly blood’, Arya tries to kill The Hound but fails and they head in the direction of the Frey wedding, Daenerys meets a mercenary and Sam and Gilly flee a White Walker.
9 – The Rains of Castamere
AKA The Red Wedding, Catelyn, Robb and Talisa are all killed, witnessed by Arya, while elsewhere Robb’s disloyalty to the Wildlings is exposed and Bran discovers a new gift, but we’re mostly thinking about the wedding.
10 -Mhysa
Joffrey challenges Tywin, the Stark army is leathered at the Red Wedding, The Hound takes Arya away on horseback, and it isn’t long before she’s doling out revenge on Frey men, Tyrion and Sansa get along a little better, Jaime and Brienne arrive at King’s Landing, Bran and co head for the Beyond the Wall and Ygritte turns on Jon.
Season four
1 – Two Swords
Jaime refuses to take over rule at Casterly Rock, Oberyn Martell arrives at King’s Landing looking to kill The Mountain, Daenerys dragons are getting out of hand and Arya (our new hero) and The Hound escape peril once again
2 – The Lion and the Rose
Poor Reek (formerly Theon) is forced to hang out with Roose and Ramsay, Bran has another vision, and meanwhile at King’s Landing it’s another wedding – this time for Joffrey and Margaery and it doesn’t end well for Joffrey at all, at all.
3 – Breaker of Chains
Tyrion has been arrested on charges of murdering Joffrey and Sansa flees King’s Landing into Littlefinger’s clutches, Jaime and Cersei grieve in an, er, interesting way beside Joffrey’s remains, Daenerys begins her siege of Meereen.
4 – Oathkeeper
Daenerys frees yet more slaves, Jon trains recruits against Wildlings and mutineers, Cersei is out for Tyrion’s blood, Margaery turns her affections to Tommen Baratheon, Sansa impresses Baelish with her smarts and Jaime asks Brienne to find Sansa.
5 – First of His Name
Daenerys hears about Joffrey and considers legging it to King’s Landing, but changes her mind, Tommen is crowned king, Tywin decides they need the Tyrells on side, Brienne and Podrick search for Sansa (who’s arrived at the Eyrie with Baelish), Lysa marries Baelish immediately, Jon and Bran almost meet at Craster’s Keep.
6 – The Laws of Gods and Men
Stannis and Davos go to Braavos looking for cash, one of Daenerys’ dragons kills some goats, Ramsay needs Reek to be Theon Greyjoy again in order to take Moat Cailin, Tyrion’s trial for Joffrey’s murder begins but ends in an impassioned speech by the man himself, demanding a trial by combat.
7 – Mockingbird
Prince Oberyn agrees to fight The Mountain in place of Tyrion, across the Narrow Sea Daario gets it on with Daenerys, Selyse, Melisandre, Stannis and Shireen are preparing to go North, Brienne and Podrick find out that Arya is still alive, and will be useful to them in getting Sansa back, who incidentally witnesses Baelish shoving his wife out of the Eyrie’s Moon Door!
8 – The Mountain and the Viper
Mance Rayder and the Wildling’s attack on the Wall is imminent, Ramsay and Reek take Moat Cailin before heading North with the Boltons, Ser Jorah is exiled for spying on Daenerys, The Hound and Arya make it to the Eyrie, while inside Sansa worries for her future if Baelish is executed, The Mountain destroys Prince Oberyn in the mankiest way possible and Tyrion is sentenced to death.
9 – The Watchers on the Wall
The Wildling’s attack on Castle Black and the Wall leaving Ygritte dead (but not at Jon’s hand), after a successful defence of the Wall Jon heads North to try to kill Mance Rayder.
10 – The Children
Jon is quickly captured and brought to Mance, but Mance’s camp is attacked by Stannis and co, Bran and co are attacked by Walkers but are saved by the Children of the Forest and finally taken to the man behind the three-eyed-raven visions, Daenerys realises that her do-gooding with the slaves is not all it’s cracked up to be and that she also needs to chain up her dragons, Brienne happens upon Arya who legs it to Braavos when Brienne and The Hound are fighting, Tyrion kills Tywin and legs it too, this time to Essos.
Okay, so they were some long sentences, but it’s a detailed show!
You can catch the first episode of Season Five on Sky Atlantic on Monday night at 9pm. EXCITED!
