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Laura Hutton/Photocall Ireland "Did he just say that?" Richard Bruton, left, mentioned a second referendum in the Today FM referendum debate this week - and then quickly retracted it.
# Not the News
Here is the week's news... skewed
BREAKING via The Mire wire: The Government’s You Retire, We Rehire policy; Israel to take on Ireland; the second referendum that won’t happen will be held on 22 June.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Retired public servants could be paid not to emigrate

Monday, 14 May

Retiring public servants could be paid not to emigrate so that they are available to be rehired. The payment could be on a one-off or regular basis.

Emigration has played havoc with the Government’s You Retire We Rehire policy.

“How are we supposed to run things if the people we’re getting rid of don’t come back?” a Government source asked. “They’re making a mockery of the mockery we’re making.”

Green lights on taxis could discriminate against Irish

Tuesday, 15 May

A system of using green lights on taxis to advertise that the driver is Irish could discriminate against the Irish.

Taxi drivers in Dublin have been ordered to stop using the green lights by a taxi watchdog.

“People could refuse to use a taxi if they know the driver is Irish,” a source explained.

“Particularly at this time of year when their journey is likely to be ruined by conversations about Katie Taylor, Euro 2012 and Louis Walsh,” he added.

Israel to accommodate Ireland after EU withdrawal

Wednesday, 16 May

Israel will accommodate Ireland if Taoiseach Enda Kenny chooses to withdraw from the European Union.

The move came as a surprise to analysts who hadn’t previously considered Ireland to be a Middle Eastern country.

“It’s no big deal,” an Israeli spokesman said.

“We already use the same passports.”

Alcohol sponsorship of sports events confuses drunks

Thursday, 17 May

Alcohol sponsorship of major sports events is to be ended because it is confusing drunks.

Minister of State for Health Róisín Shortall has pledged to phase out the sponsorship.

“Drunks are trying to play football, hurling and rugby when they can hardly walk,” a spokesman said.

“We are seeing more drunks with cruciate ligament injuries than is normal,” a doctor said.

Government confirms date of second referendum that won’t happen

Friday, 18 May

The Government has confirmed that the second fiscal treaty referendum that will not happen will be held on 22 June.

“There will be no second referendum. It will be on 22 June,” a government spokesman said.

“If the second referendum that won’t happen results in a No vote a third referendum that won’t happen will be held on 1 August,” the spokesman added.

Meanwhile, Garda sources say no one was injured when a government spokesman’s head exploded outside Leinster House.

Read previous week’s editions of TheMire’s Not the News>

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