IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Most Irish Catholics base faith on Fr Ted re-runs
Monday, 4 June
Most Irish Catholics receive their religious guidance from re-runs of Father Ted on RTE 2, according to a survey.
Sixty per cent of respondents to the survey said they felt Father Dougal had a better grasp of the issues they face as Catholics than the current Pope.
“They have discarded many of the key teachings of Catholicism as superstitions,” an analyst said. “But, as Euro 2012 approaches they still cling to the primitive belief that ‘you’ll never beat the Irish’.”
Dept of Finance mystified at concerns over €3.6bn error
Tuesday, 5 June
Department of Finance officials are understood to be mystified at concerns over the €3.6 billion accounting error which led to State debt being overestimated.
Two reports on the error are due to be published this week.
“At the time that this error was discovered we had just successfully borrowed €85 billion without any ability to pay it back,” a source said.
“Isn’t it obvious that we were busy celebrating?”
Finance staff not allowed to play with numbers
Wednesday, 6 June
Department of Finance sources have refused to comment on reports that they will no longer be allowed to do sums.
Two official reports into a €3.6bn accounting error by the department have recommended that staff there should not be allowed to play with numbers.
“Numbers confuse them,” a source said. “Then they get upset and feel an urge to spend.”
“You should see the Olympic Torch. It’s bright and shiny,” a senior official in the Department of Finance said. “I want one.”
Mick Wallace saves country €2.1 million
Thursday, 7 June
Independent Wexford TD Mick Wallace probably saved the Revenue Commissioners €2.1 million by not giving it them.
Experts believe that the Department of Finance would have lost the money if it had received it.
“They’d hardly bother searching for such a small amount,” an expert said. “He has done his country a service”.
In a related matter, consultants in Irish hospitals have said they would not lose x-rays or biopsy results if they didn’t exist.
TDs distancing themselves from each other need bigger Dáil
Friday, 8 June
Leinster House may need to be extended as TDs distancing themselves from Mick Wallace keep bumping into Michael Lowry.
“We need a bigger Dáil,” an anonymous TD said. “Every time I turn a corner I’m afraid of bumping into some undesirable.”
“Only this morning I had to run out of the toilets after catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror,” he added.
