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Dublin: 5 °C Saturday 29 February, 2020
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You know you're in a bona-fide Irish nightclub when...

Accept no imitations.

OK, SO you’re in a nightclub.

But is it a real, genuine, staight-down-the-line-no-messing Irish nightclub?

You’ll know it is when…

1. Your feet are stuck to the floor

By layers of sweat, spilt Heineken and Lynx Africa.

Flickr/sfllaw

2. The crush at the bar would be considered a health hazard in most EU countries

Flickr

3. There are girls wearing GAA jerseys

oneills.com

4. Someone has requested Galway Girl

Photocall Ireland

5. There is carpet covering part or all of the walls

Flickr/Sam Howzit

6. At one point you accidentally wander into a hotel reception

Flickr/blmurch

7. A man is doing an ‘ironic’ or ‘comedy’ dance

Flickr/Jirka Matousek

8. The DJ stops the music for people to roar ‘WHO THE F*** IS ALICE’ at the appropriate time

Flickr/FASASW

9. At the slightest sign of rap music, every man does embarrassing ‘urban’ dance moves

Flickr/f_mafra

10. There is a man/woman working in the toilet

Who everyone thinks they’re mates with, but really you’re all irritating the hell out of him/her.

Flickr/Stranger

11. You can always smell the jacks, even if it’s nowhere in sight

Flickr/jaygooby

12. There are totally arbitrary (but rigorously enforced) rules about where you can and can’t walk/dance/take your drinks

Photo via Shutterstock

13. There is a couple REALLY going for it on the couches off the dancefloor

Flickr/sfllaw

14. There are posters advertising an appearance by a Home And Away star

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15. Maniac 2000

16. There is a fight when the lights go on

Flickr/See-ming Lee SML

17. There is a savage rush to get you out because they have to set up for the communion/confirmation/85th birthday party that is using the same spot the next day

Flickr/saaby

What have we missed? Let us know in the comments…

9 things Irish people do to prepare for a big night out>

9 puzzled responses to the Irish custom of pub rounds>

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About the author:

Michael Freeman

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