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Not the News

PAC chairman hoping to replace Cmmdr Hadfield, bring wife and son: The week's news skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Ireland wants to be ruled by the head of Gerry Adams and the clothed body of Rihanna.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Ireland ‘doesn’t need’ Prism to spy on citizens

Monday, 10 June

The Department of Justice has said it has no need of a surveillance organisation like the National Security Agency in America.

This follows the leaking of documents by Edward Snowden, a former CIA and NSA technical worker, about secret US government surveillance operations.

Mr Snowden leaked documents about the Prism system, which gives American agencies access to nine of the world’s top internet companies, as well as phone records of millions of people.

“We don’t need Prism,” a Justice Department spokesman said. “We have Alan Shatter.”

McGuinness and family to replace Commander Hadfield in space

Tuesday, 11 June

Public Accounts Committee chairman John McGuinness is hoping to bring his wife and son with him when he replaces Commander Hadfield on the International Space Station.

It is understood Mr McGuinness believes there is a strong case for the taxpayer to pay for his wife to accompany him.

Mr McGuinness’s son will most likely be travelling as personal secretary to his father.

“This is perfectly legitimate. It is not a junket,” a source close to Mr McGuinness said. “He’s not even bringing the luxury toilet tissue with him.”

RTÉ stars change names to protest Greek shutdown

Wednesday, 12 June

Pat Kenny, Marian Finucane and other RTÉ stars are changing their names* in solidarity with their Greek counterparts.

“Call me Patos Kennyios,” Mr Kenny said.

“Call me Marianos Finucaneos,” Ms Finucane said. “Solidarity!”

Their move comes after the Greek government shut down State broadcaster ERT to save costs.

It is thought that the Government is considering a similar move here, though it would retain the Angelus.

*This may not have happened.

Letters written in blood fail as marketing strategy

Thursday, 13 June

Anti-abortion campaigners are at a loss to explain why their carefully considered marketing strategy has failed to generate support for their stance on abortion.

A poll published in today’s Irish Times shows 75 per cent support proposed abortion legislation.

This comes despite the best efforts of some anti-abortion campaigners who branded the Taoiseach a murderer and sent him plastic foetuses and letters written in blood.

“It’s hard to know where we went wrong,” a source said. “We sent medals, scapulars, plastic foetuses, letters written in blood, made telephone calls… we put a lot of work into this.”

Marketing chiefs will hold an emergency meeting today to consider where the strategy of intimidation might have gone wrong.

“Should we be more direct? Maybe. Everything is on the table,” the source added.

Polls show support for head of Gerry Adams with body of Rihanna

Friday, 14 June 2013

A composite of recent opinion polls and peculiar trends has revealed that Ireland would like to be ruled by the head of Gerry Adams with the clothed body of Rihanna.

The Sinn Féin president is now the most popular leader in the Dáil, according to an Irish Times poll.

Meanwhile, a Mire poll has found that stapling dresses on posters of a naked Rihanna has made the singer acceptable to the most conservative elements in society.

“She looks lovely now. Quite proper,” a conservative element said.

An unrelated poll also found there would be strong support for allowing ‘Gerrihana’ to have an abortion if his/her health was at risk.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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