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Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: How Ireland has some of the fittest fat kids in the world and why the axing of Communion grants is ‘worse than the famine’.

"This is definitely worse than the famine"
Image: Sasko Lazarov/Photocall Ireland

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Great Irish hero Margaret Thatcher dies aged 87

Monday, 8 April

Republicans from all sides of the republican divide were as one in mourning Baroness Margaret Thatcher today.

Former provisional IRA members recalled how the former prime minister went to great lengths to further their cause.

“Those were the days,” a tearful nationalist said. “She took us under her wing. If anyone was on the fence about supporting us she made their minds up for them.”

“She gave us so much. She gave us MPs, she gave us TDs, I don’t know what we would have done without her.”

“We’ll have to have a special tribute to her in West Belfast,” he added.

Many TDs cannot even get penalty points quashed

Tuesday, 9 April

Voters across Ireland have spoken of their disappointment on finding that many of their TDs cannot even get penalty points quashed.

A survey of TDs carried out by the Irish Examiner found that an astonishing 76 per cent never had penalty points quashed.

“What?” an exasperated voter asked. “I give up. Why do we vote for these people?”

“If they can’t even help themselves they’re hardly going to help me.”

Ireland a great country to grow up in before emigrating

Wednesday, 10 April

A UNICEF study has found that Ireland is one of the best countries in the world for children to stop smoking and drinking in prior to emigrating.

The study found that the numbers of children here smoking and drinking has declined and Ireland ranks the highest for physical activity.

Ireland also ranks highly for childhood obesity, the combined results meaning we have some of the fittest fat kids in the world.

Education standards are high with most Irish children able to point out on a map the countries they intend to live in when they emigrate.

“The future’s bright,” a Government spokesman said. “The future’s elsewhere.”

Axing of Communion grants ‘worse’ than the famine

Thursday, 11 April

The axing of Communion grants by the Department of Social Protection could have as great an impact on ordinary Irish people as the famine.

Campaigners for the grants have warned of destitute children dressed in rags during their Communion and Confirmation ceremonies.

“Those children would then have to collect huge amounts of money from their relatives who might confuse them with beggars and give them nothing,” a human rights activist said.

“The hurt from this, the emotional scars, could last for generations,” he added. “It could be worse than the famine.”

European finance ministers poised to make latest mistake

Friday 12, April

European finance ministers and central bank governors will meet in Dublin Castle today to decide on their latest mistake.

The move comes after an IMF official admitted the emphasis on austerity in Ireland’s bailout was, in fact, a mistake.

“We need a new mistake now,” a European finance minister said. “Everyone knows about the old one.”

The ministers and bankers posed under a banner that said “People across Europe think we’re working” before going into the fun-filled meeting.

“I hope there’s canapés,” said one central banker. “I love canapés.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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