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Dublin: 4 °C Tuesday 12 November, 2019
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19 things nobody ever told you about going to a wedding

You’re dancing to Black Eyed Peas, and you’ll like it.

At the ceremony

If you’re sitting at the end of a row you will be handed at least four cameras at the start and the end

“GET A PICTURE OF THE BRIDE” they’ll hiss at you, making complicated hand gestures about buttons and flashes. The pressure.

pic

If you’re in a church it’s okay to start skitting and low conversation as soon as Communion gets going

The serious part is over. There’s only a few sentences, a bit of paper signing and a song and you’re free.

church

ps If you’re at a Church of Ireland service there is no Communion. Loads of singing though.

If you’re at a humanist/civil/other ceremony it will be short

Try to hide your delight.

watch

Between the ceremony and The Dinner

Someone needs to say “will we make a move?” when you’ve all been standing around outside the church for longer than necessary

Otherwise you might be there for hours. Maybe you should be the one to say “will we make a move?” and get the ball rolling on moving to the reception.

move Source: Shutterstock.com

The bride and groom* will go missing for at least two hours

There is nothing saucy involved. They are simply getting photos taken. The photos will increase in ridiculousness with each minute that passes. A lot of them will be taken under or near trees. Other people will be dragged into these photos at various stages.

Wedding photo + outdoors + barn cat = awesome photobomb! - Imgur Source: Imgur

*Or bride and bride, or groom and groom

You will be left to horse wine and Prosecco into yourself….

With any luck it will simply be pressed into your paw (for free) by wait staff silently gliding by. The dream.

drunk

…while eating nothing for several hours on end

So much wine and Prosecco on such an empty stomach. Recipe for disaster. You could do with a sandwich in your hand.

ready

You will hand a card containing around €100 to a stranger

And never see it again. You will spend at least 20 minutes being convinced that the stranger/best man is spending your cash on Jagerbombs.

UtoXx Source: Imgur

There will be a murmur about what level of free booze you’re looking at during the dinner

Will it be just wine? Will there be any wine at all?

wedding Source: Shutterstock.com

The Dinner

Your chair will be uncomfortably close to at least three other people’s chairs

Not only the people on either side of you, but the person behind you too. You will also be confused about which side plate is yours.

conf

Someone will eat more than their fair share of bread rolls

The lousers.

roll Source: Shutterstock.com

You will have a conversation about the cake with at least two people

The following wishes will be expressed:

  • Better not be poxy fruit cake
  • Better not be poxy carrot cake
  • There’d better be a layer of carrot cake
  • Hope it’s all chocolate biscuit cake
  • Not another poxy chocolate biscuit cake

wedding cake Source: Canucklibrarian

The speeches will unexpectedly be before the dinner, pushing you over the edge into starvation

Don’t the bride and groom realise that everyone is now heading for gee-eyed, and fit to eat their fist?

bestman

You will feel a biological urge to win the betting on the speeches, fight it

The winner is actually the loser. You will have to go to the bar alone and buy a round of shots for ten people, and there will not be enough money in the glass. Misery.

IMG_0237 Source: RedCraig

After The Dinner 

You will be expected to show an appropriate amount of excitement for a) first dance and b) cake cutting

Your excitement will decrease relative to the number of weddings you attend. By around wedding number 12 you will be at the bar/outside during both the first dance and the cake cutting.

bar

Despite claiming while sober that you wouldn’t dance to the Black Eyed Peas for €8 million…

…you will be the first on the floor, obnoxiously pulling at least three other people with you.

Ditto Galway Girl.

mysong

Grown men will do things you would never see outside a hotel ballroom at 1.20am

Particularly if AC/DC comes on. Then their trouser legs will be rolled up and their ties will go around their heads. At least one of them will slide across the floor on their knees.

acdc-500x500

Cocktail sausages, triangle sandwiches and bits of cake will be the most welcome thing you’ve ever seen

You need a bit of sustenance after all the dancing to Mundy. At this stage you couldn’t care less what class of cake it is.

Cocktail Weenies Food Macro November 30, 20108 Source: stevendepolo

You will make at least 3 new best friends

One of these will be either the groom’s mam or the bride’s dad in the residents’ bar. You will see them the next day at the The Breakfast and they will not remember you.

Don’t take this to heart. You are a good person. And you survived another wedding.

rai

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About the author:

Emer McLysaght

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